BENGALURU : We don’t have a digital home assistant. No sleekly designed unit with a sexy name that we can ask what the weather is like or what the name of the new Imagine Dragons song (see how I effortlessly slipped in a current music reference to make myself seem cool?) or to order detergent when levels are low. I don’t see the point of something that can answer those kinds of questions. When Siri, Alexa or Google Home can answer the barrage of burning questions that I face on a daily basis *then* we’re talking. That’s real technological advancement people. Are you listening Palo Alto?
Here’s a sample.
It starts in the morning with ‘Why do we have to go to school today?’ This question is often followed by ‘Can we be homeschooled?’ Siri, if you can provide better answers than a) ‘So I don’t have to listen to you whine for the next 8 hours’ and b) hysterical laughter, consider me a customer. Also, it would be great if you could take care of: ‘Where’s my uniform?’ and ‘Can someone get me a towel?’
Some mornings hot water is depleted by one child and I am asked by the other; ‘Why didn’t you just have a dog for a second child?’ Such questions are worrying. Didn’t we have the birds and the bees conversation? Was the part about how babies are actually made not clear to you? If it was, why would you ask me that question son? Alexa, be a dear and answer this one for me, would you?
If our digital assistant could respond to: ‘Where’s my abdomen guard?’ ‘Have you seen the Lego guy with the Thor head, Anacondri body and Ninjago armour?’ and ‘Where’re the chocolate chip cookies?’ I’d order one right now. Actually, I don’t think we need to disclose the current location of the chocolate chip cookies. In *my* stomach? That’s a lie Siri. Shut up.
There are also questions around the body and bodily functions like: ‘My poop looks funny? Do you want to come and see?’ ‘Why do you have so much hair on your arm pits?’ and ‘Who farted?’ that I’m tired of. Please find appropriate answers to the above. PS. My children think Mommies don’t fart. Let’s keep it that way shall we?
Also, I’d totally buy a digital assistant if I could integrate it with WhatsApp and make it answer the numerous annoying questions that I face on certain groups. ‘Why is the homework so hard?’ ‘Why is the homework so easy?’ ‘Do you think there’s too much homework?’ ‘Do you think there’s too little homework?’ If all these questions could be answered snappily and snarkily I would be a happy customer. Also, if someone or something could answer my basic question of ‘Can someone tell me what IS the goddamn homework?’ that would do just fine too.
There are also a few other questions that I’d like help with: ‘Who’s looking after your kids right now?’ and ‘Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you didn’t have kids?’ to ‘Two boys, what’s THAT like?’ Once that’s taken care of then you can order washing powder and tell me the name of the new Imagine Dragons song. My kids heard me humming ABBA and won’t let me hear the end of it.