BENGALURU: My children have pretty much stopped watching regular television. It’s all Netflix and Amazon Prime now. We have parental controls set, so there’s no watching Fifty Shades Darker for them. As I like to tell my children, I have eyes and ears and browsing history everywhere.
So, my husband and I recently got around to watching Made In Heaven. One night, after the kids were put to bed, we settled down to watch the show. Imagine our surprise when Amazon Prime informed us we were already 25 minutes into the first episode.
‘Did you watch it without me?’ asked my husband. As everyone knows, this is modern day adultery.
‘No!’ I would have been less offended if he’d accused me of cheating. ‘Must be a glitch.’
‘Do you think the kids watched it?’
‘Naaah! They wouldn’t have.’
‘You sure about that?’
‘Yeah. Sure.’ This was not delivered with much conviction.
About 10 minutes into the show I was having a full blown panic attack, convinced that the boys had watched 600 seconds of bad language, cleavage and men making love. All things they knew existed but had never seen.
My husband tried to calm my jangled nerves. ‘They wouldn’t have gotten this far. No Hulk, no trains exploding, no Jedi mind tricks.’
‘Let’s wake them up and find out.’
‘It’s 11pm. It can wait till the morning.’
‘Why didn’t they say anything? When did they see this? When I’d gone for a walk? How did this happen? We are cancelling television in this house.’
‘Ok, but why don’t we watch the show first?’
At minute 26: ‘See, relax now. We know they didn’t watch whatever comes after this!’
But, by this point I could no longer enjoy the show.
‘They might as well watch Game Of Thrones next.’ I snort.
‘Because incest, eye gouging and mass murder will be easier to explain than this?’
The next morning I woke the kids up earlier than usual.
‘Be cool’ my husband whispered.
‘So boys… what are you watching on Prime?’
‘Dr Who. Where’re my socks?’
‘Anything else? Anything… new? Heavenly?’
‘Nope. Why are you being weird?’
‘Did you watch Made In Heaven? Why? Why did you watch it? It’s totally inappropriate. Not that two men kissing is inappropriate. That’s fine. But you shouldn’t be watching these shows yet. You’re too young ok-’
‘Kissing? Ugh! Who wants to watch anyone kiss. That’s gross.’ This was followed by gagging sounds.
‘I think they’re telling the truth,’ my husband whispered.
‘Promise on Mjolnir?’ I ask.
The children look offended. There are some things too sacred to promise on.
‘Promise on me?’
This of course is an easy promised. God forbid anything should happen to a make-believe hammer.
After they all leave the house, I get on a call with my mother.
‘Hey! Are you watching Made In Heaven?’ She asked ‘I logged into your Prime account yesterday and watched it. Hope that’s okay. Isn’t it excellent?’
Time to get Amma her own Prime account. Like all mothers, she too has eyes, ears and browsing history everywhere.
(The writer’s philosophy is: If there’s no blood, don’t call me)