Summer vacation is the brand new board game

 Congratulations on your purchase of the multiplayer board game Summer Vacation.
Summer vacation is the brand new board game

BENGALURU: Congratulations on your purchase of the multiplayer board game Summer Vacation. This game is meant to be enjoyed by the entire family (ha!) and can provide up to eight weeks of purported fun. You can also expect anger, frustration, resentment and wondering why you ever agreed to have unprotected sex. There are no winners in Summer Vacation and the game only ends when any one of the adults playing collapses on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. Or when eight weeks are up. The former is likely to happen first. To initiate play, all players must roll the dice. Only because this is how most board games begin. But Summer Vacation really begins when a small person says ‘I’m bored! There’s nothing to doooo!’. Do not worry, this will happen within two minutes of the game being set up. 

Summer vacation can be played in a number of modes. There is the Grandparents to the Rescue version, where one can offload children to another city to the care of their grandparents, using flimsy excuses such as ‘I do not have time off from work’ and ‘You need to spend more time with your grandchildren.’ Players who manage to use this time to move to another city, get a new name and face win bonus points. But be aware, Grandparents to the Rescue mode generally fails when grandparents refuse to answer the phone because they have moved to another city and gotten new names and faces. 

Summer Camp mode is for those players who can locate a summer camp that is willing to take the children off your hands for enough hours every day, offer pick up and drop, hot meals and will even clip your toenails. A warning: Summer Camp mode may lull adults into a false sense of having won the game. But camp mode can only be played for one month. Attempting to play two rounds in Summer Camp mode has been known to cause younger players to initiate rogue mode resulting in anarchy and tears. 

Culture Vulture mode is for those who wish to expose their children to the wonderful world and all that it has to offer. This mode involves overpriced hotel rooms and flight tickets, food younger players  will wrinkle their nose at and long drives where they will sarcastically and unappreciatively say ‘Oh look! More beautiful scenery’. Children playing in this mode will attempt to thwart all your cultural plans and play Pokemon Go! at a World Heritage Site. The writing is on the remnants of the Berlin Wall: they are more interested in Charizard than in communism. This mode has been known to be expensive and unsatisfying for all.

Staycation mode is for the truly brave and we only recommend you play this if you are a Summer Vacation veteran. In this format of the game, there are no rules, no enrichment programs and no cultural exposure. All players make their own rules. Chaos will ensue till those playing realise that the best thing to do is ignore each other and do whatever the hell they feel like. Complimentary Noise cancellation headphones and the mini bottle of cheap white wine have been provided for those parents playing in this mode. 
Happy playing. May the best player survive unscathed. Ha. Like that can happen.
(The writer’s philosophy is: if there’s no blood, don’t call me)

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The New Indian Express
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