CHENNAI: Depression has been my unwanted companion for more than three years. During the first two-and-a-half-years, I believed I didn’t need therapy. Meeting a therapist would mean making my vulnerability public. And I was not willing to do that, yet. We often believe we are like Goliath and we can defeat our enemy — even if it’s the one inside us. But, we forget that the act of acknowledgement is the first battle won.
Two weeks of research and many panic attacks later, I found a therapist, who fit my budget. On the day of my appointment, I felt my heart pounding and hands trembling. She tried to comfort me, but it felt cold. I sat through the session because I wanted to leave as a person who is at peace. So, I shared, cried and talked endlessly. But, not everything went well. Especially when she decided that my obesity was my problem even though I told her about my PCOD — a red flag, which I ignored. She asked me to start medication immediately without considering my preference. This was the second red flag I missed.
I continued to share my stories of lost love, need for attention, and dark thoughts, but could feel her judgements pierce through me with every life event I narrated. What made me rethink my decision of going for therapy was when she began to blame a few significant people in my life. She indicated that I should cut ties with them. But, she had no reasons for her ‘recommendation’. I started filtering my thoughts — and this is exactly what shouldn’t happen in a therapy session.
So, we concluded that I was suffering from lack of real relationships in my life. But the ‘icing’ on this unpalatable cake was when she said, “Men are trash. Be away from them.”I was shocked. Her judgments made me question the act of reaching out. I could see where she was leading me. On my way back, I cried more than I did during the session. She had pressed all the wrong buttons in my thought-o-sphere, and I was shaken by this experience for the next few weeks. All my courage was shattered during that session. And I am back to square one. But, I am hopeful — of finding the right therapist and bettering myself.