Often the death of a dear one, especially if they're immediate family can be shattering. As he copes with the loss of his much cherished grandfather, our life coach Adarsh Basavaraj talks about how he made it through
Dear Readers,
I would like to start our conversation this week, by apologising from the bottom of my heart to all of you, for not being able to answer queries, offer advice and support you to handle the challenges that life throws at you. It is necessary that I be in the right frame of mind. Right now... I am shattered!
Losing a loved one
I had mentioned that my grandfather who is my ROLE MODEL, was in the ICU. Unfortunately, it saddens me to share with you all, that he passed away. The irony is that in spite of being a Life Coach, I am aware of the processes that are being executed and the different phases that I am in, yet... This is where REALITY BITES and says you’re first a HUMAN then whatever else. So you too have to go through this process and aren’t special.
Apart from paying a tribute to my Great Role Model, there are two more intentions. The first being, important lessons that he taught me which shall make your life, BLISS! And the second being, how to cope with the loss of a EXTREMELY LOVED INDIVIDUAL.
Greatness simplified
My grandfather, Dr DG Benakappa, who was commonly known as Dr DGB in the medical community was no less than a LEGEND. He hailed from a very small village and went on to become one of the best doctors this country had to offer. He was known as the Father of Paediatrics as he was the first internationally qualified paediatrician in the country. I’m pretty sure if you have a pediatrician in your family and you ask them about my grandfather, the first response might be “He was my teacher”. He was the only doctor to have won the Dr BC ROY Award twice, He would never charge the poor, and always donated a majority of his earnings to community service.
In the initial stages, when he returned to our country, he was so committed towards serving society that he would not only provide free consultation and medicines but also free food and accommodation to as many as he could. Once upon a time, the country's most influential and famous would wait in line to seek consultation from him. He was believed to have the MAGICAL TOUCH and often, we would see people come home and request him just to touch their child and the belief that everything would be alright after that, was the reputation that he had.
On a personal note, He had an amazing sense of humour, excellent manners, strongest commitment to his profession, compassion to everyone and never was materialistic. Such a simple life that till date he commuted in a humble Maruti 800.
Keeping calm
One of his most notable characters which still seems impossible for a normal mere mortal to possess, was his calmness. Not once had I seen him lose his cool, shout, scream or raise his voice. He was always, calm, soft and never had hurt any person’s feelings as long as I can remember. He had a very simple mantra because of which he led a fruitful life. His three main principles was HONESTY, HUMILITY and GENUINENESS. This secret formula has enabled me to be UNIVERSALLY COMPATIBLE with everyone around me.
Staying Grounded
He also taught me the importance of being GENUINE to the true sense which required me to be UNCONDITIONAL and have NO EXPECTATIONS whatsoever. “This will always enable you to sleep peacefully,” he used to say. He would also time and again, tell me not to be dependent on anyone else and at the same time ensure never to let down the ones who have become somehow dependent on you.
Karmic connect
The reason for me to believe strongly in KARMA was him. What you sow is what you reap and what goes around, comes around was always told to me, by him. This makes you so aware of your actions in life, that it makes you very responsible. When you’re responsible for your actions, you automatically become more mature too.
COPING WITH LOSS
How am I managing to cope with his loss is the million dollar question. Before I begin, I would like to re-emphasise the attachment I had with him. I can be frank in saying that I spent more time with him that I have with even my parents. So he was a part of my existence. So it definitely isn’t easy to cope with his loss. I cannot say that I’m perfectly fine even now as I’m writing this, I’m human too. The first thing that is helping me is that I am aware of my feelings and loss. I am telling myself that it’s OK to cry, to feel low, to feel depressed and to remember him and wish he was here. We often, try to force ourselves to be strong, fight out our feelings as we think we’re adults and shouldn’t vent out. But unknowingly we actually end up suppressing these feelings which will burst out somewhere else on another front, we might get more irritable, lose interest in everything, have outbursts of anger or might be brooding about it when we’re alone. When we accept that It’s OK and become aware that it’s a natural process to have these feelings. Half the battle is won.
Next, talking to my family and friends is really helping me out. It does make me have sudden crying spells when we reminisce his life. But having people around helps... A lot! So, rather than isolating myself and going down a path of solitude and sadness, talking about it with people who are really close to me makes me feel that I have a shoulder to lean on.
ACCEPT REALITY
The next aspect is accepting reality. We all have to go one day, don’t we? But what we do during our time here in the mortal world is what matters! I keep telling myself that he led an amazing and fruitful life in which he served so many in his 85 years of life here, that it’s impossible to count. Losing a gem like him is another thing, but seeing him suffer would have been more brutal. So telling myself that he had a peaceful passing over really is helping me.
Work it off
Physical activity really helps, I managed to go gymming amidst all this and actually felt better. All the while telling myself, that I have to maintain my health and continue his LEGACY. THAT’S WHAT HE WOULD WANT. The added bonus being, so many around me who came and offered their condolences and sharing their experiences with him. This made me feel prouder and reinforced my zeal NEVER TO LET HIM DOWN.
On a funny note yet realistic note, he had managed to outlive many of his friends, contemporaries and even his brothers. I manage to being a smile on my face by imagining the meetings that they all will have and have fun wherever they are. That helps me feel that at least he has a lot of people around him whom he loved and isn’t lonely.
Last but not the least, he has managed to ensure that I don’t let him down, even after his demise. As, in every walk of life... I now stop and think, “What would Thatha (Grandpa) have done? Would he like what I am about to do? Will he be proud of me if I did this?” etc. This ensures that I’m not taking any rash decisions or letting his death affect me in any negative way rather has made me have a even stronger conviction to be able to become an individual, to whom people will proudly refer to as The Grandson of DR DGB
A lamp burns the brightest before it goes off. That’s exactly what Dr DGB did. He was in the best of spirits before he left us with invaluable and Priceless treasures in the form of his principles, teachings and practically showing us that he preached what he practiced. In short he has given all of us a wonderful BLUEPRINT to lead a fruitful life. Medicine has improved by leaps and bounds, but the need of the hour is MENTAL WELLNESS, as our lives have become more complicated and stressful. Maybe he knew this, maybe that’s why he ensured that I came into this line and continued serving people like he did. I’ll never let you down Thatha, I’ll ensure that I make you proud in every way I can.
With regards,
Adarsh Basavaraj
The Coach
PS. I thank the New Indian Express Group for giving me an opportunity to give this UNSUNG HERO a tribute that he deserved
Confused about where your life is going, what to do next, how to handle life’s curveballs or where to get great relationship advice? Never fear, The Coach is here. Life guru Adarsh Basavaraj will answer all your queries on WhatsApp! So what are you waiting for? Total anonymity will also be extended on request, and select queries will be answered in Edex