Love and friendship are almost synonyms. If you really care to see, you will see that there can be no friendship without love. Or if there is no love, there cannot be friendship. So simple to understand! But did you know, or ever realise, that friendship is the stepping stone to love? Remember when you were young, a child, your first interactions with other children were based not on any concept of love but of shared times spent together, getting to know each, getting to know their personalities, their habits, their peculiarities. Slowly this familiarity turns into comfort and concern and caring, then into a bond that defies any social mooring—it is not a marriage; you are not lovers; you are not related and yet, you are inseparable. Therefore, you see, friendship is the training ground for love.
Then as we grow up, we exercise this learning in different aspects of our lives and situations. If we find ourselves attracted to someone, we add the layer of love to that sense or feeling, and voila! lovers are created. Then we go beyond and build on that, and cement the relationship and a marriage is solemnised. Then children come into the world and siblings find friendship of a different calibre—something like a friend provided by nature. And yet, you continue to make newer friends and expand your circle of affection and love. Therefore, love is the result, friendship the cause; love is the student, friendship the master.
If we let it, then love may be at the heart of everything we think, say and do. We have to trust in love, in others and in ourselves. Love gives us so many lessons on happiness. It needs our care and attention to flourish and thrive—just like our minds and our lives; if left untended, it can soon grow wild and out of control, or lose its richness, vibrancy and colour.
Of course, love for a partner goes hand in hand with desire, and so it may be helpful to check ourselves to understand how we may be devoted to another person without clinging to them. We may love unconditionally and generously without imposing demands on that love. This is a type of fearless loving, where we give happiness without the expectation of receiving, because in giving we receive anyway. Loving relationships are a source of much happiness in life, but sometimes great unhappiness too when it seems like love breaks down. Love makes us vulnerable, we open ourselves up to the world, we make an incredibly deep connection with another, but if we sense that love is taken away, we can feel rejected, lonely and that life is cruel. Still, I agree that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Wherever there is love in your life—not just romantically, but family love, friendship, love for nature or for what you do—try not to weigh it down with your own needs. These are the needs of your fragile ego, not your nature. They are the needs that reinforce your limiting self-beliefs. Nourish love with your kindness. If it ever feels like the connection is only one way, then rather than shout or scream, put all your great communication skills to use and gently investigate why this might be so. We don’t have the power to change others, but we do have the capacity to understand before deciding the direction in which it is truly best to go.
Our good friends give us so much through their friendship we have to really cherish them. They give us support when we are struggling with our pain and suffering, and friends who understand us can help to shine a light on the way forward when we’re fumbling around in the dark of indecision. Friends keep us balanced, they bring out the best in us, and help bring us closer to our true nature and our happiness.
It is so good, therefore, that I have such friends—that are there to support each other. Even when I was young, there was a very special relationship between myself and my friend, the late Drukpa Yongdzin Rinpoche. Even though he was very naughty, he never allowed me to be so. He always said to me, ‘If you do what I do, I will see you in this life and lives to come.’ It meant so much to me, that he wanted us to meet in our next lives and continue to support each other. That is why I say that friendship is the foundation of love. And often one means the other.The author is the spiritual head of the 1,000-year-old Drukpa Order based in the Himalayas