If I had a penny for every random outfit that decides to confer their own restaurant awards just because their star-boy likes to get his free meals there, I would still have lesser pennies than the number of plaques, trophies and awards that adorn the walls of any restaurant. I bet architects are instructed to build a load-bearing wall at the entrance and then not paint it because within the first week of opening they would have already made it to a few nightlife guides, and star-rating charts, not to mention editor’s picks thereby endowing the outlet with enough paraphernalia to cover that ugly bald spot. I would call it nepotism but since both awardee and awarder are competitively inept, I think it’s more a case of the ‘inept lauding the barely average’.
Meanwhile, here are some genuine awards that I would like to see given. Please feel free to populate this list. Doesn’t matter if you are untrained at this, as long as you are untainted, your vote counts.
Best Coffee: Definitely not Starbucks; but then to even call the swill they serve as coffee is an insult to the 1,000-year-old culture. And no, having a hipster bearded barista with a catchy slogan on his tee-shirt and a hashtag tattoo on his neck doesn’t mean you win.
Best Boozy Snacks: I like what the Beer Cafe does,it’s fried and totally excused with any form of alcohol. Social is great for snacking too except that every time there I bring up the average age by a factor of 10.
Best Home Delivery: Given the service standards in most places, I’d rather serve myself and clear up after. Nobody is bothered to find out, who is good at it. Nooshi packs it like a boss and Asian Haus is lovely.
Best Home Kitchens: All these tiffin services feed a nation of workers, but since they don’t pay to advertise, they get overlooked. Please suggest names of home kitchens which rock! And exclude ‘Newly-Married Young Wives’ Home Cakery’ projects. No, really.
Best Buffet: If khichdi is ever to be replaced with a national dish, it would have to be a buffet! Yes, I know it’s not a dish but nothing unites us desis. And yet, some of the awards seem to be given depending on who upgraded the critic more often! I would vote for the Andaz and The Pullman Sunday brunches and JW Marriott.
Best Room Service: This is a tough one for all luxury hotels that seem to think of their room service as an ostracised orphan child. Room service is the only reason why I would get out of my pyjamas into my civvies to leave the hotel at night and go eat somewhere fresh.
Best Tea Range: In the land of tea, surely we can expect a nice cuppa. And yet our outlets treat tea like prison water. Papaya, that sub-par Asian eatery, doesn’t even serve tea! Neither does Yum Yum Cha and they have the word ‘cha’ built into their friggin’ name! For now, anybody serving TWG tea wins this category.
Best Newcomer: The Oberoi New Delhi will get no awards here and not because it is technically not a newcomer. Outside of marriage, never has an institution been so commanding to let me down. Am sure they will get their act together but for now, let’s find another deserving candidate that didn’t pay their way into an award category. Other awards categories I would like to see include are cleanest bathrooms, best ice-creams, best desserts, politest service staff, best seating arrangement, and top-class acoustics.
The writer is a sommelier.
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