Unlike charity, democracy doesn’t begin at home. It didn’t at mine for sure, when I was growing up. Nor at most of my friends’. Our parents (and, in some homes, grandparents) were the clear figures of authority, issuing guidelines (which were non-negotiable and hence more orders than guidelines) and ensuring that we all toed the family line. The line wavered from home to home, but the basic rules were the same: children had to be dutiful and hard-working (mostly in school but, if possible, also on the sports fields and/or the music and dance class). Looks didn’t matter (none of us had much of a wardrobe, in those pre-branded days, in any case) but we were expected to always look clean and presentable. And yes, everyone had to be obedient and put the family first. We talk a lot about patriarchy in Indian homes, and the father being the undisputed head of the household. That was true; our fathers were certainly the ultimate boss in our households. But, playing good cop, I guess, they were more than happy to stay in the shadows and let our iron-handed mums wield the whip. The latter ran a tight ship; they were never mean or cruel, just matter-of-factly dictatorial.
Don’t get me wrong, we kids didn’t feel put upon or unhappy; if anything we thoroughly enjoyed our lives and loved our parents. We just didn’t know that questioning them was an option. So much so that when the mothers said jump, our only response was ‘how high?’
Looking back now, this sounds to me much like the government of Indira Gandhi, whose birth centenary it is this month. I read a recent article by historian Ramachandra Guha about how Mrs Gandhi seemed to believe she knew better than any other Indian what was good and best for India. Guha talked about the former PM’s idea of the “committed civil servant”, government officials who were (or had to be) totally committed to their leader and her ideology. Replace Mrs Gandhi with our mothers, India with the family, and the officials with us kids, and he could be talking about the world of my childhood. The fact that people across the country sat quietly (for 11 long years, till the Emergency, and then again later) and accepted Mrs G’s imperious ways would imply that my young friends and I weren’t the only ones with no clue about democracy or our rights.
In 2017, families couldn’t be more different, built as they are on the principles of negotiation and consultation. Today’s parents are hyper-sensitive to their children’s emotions and pay more attention to their rights than they probably do their own. In earlier times, parents took their kids’ love for granted. Today, they slog for that love.
Perhaps, if Mrs G was around today, she and her style of governing would have been different too. Maybe, in today’s world of political correctness, strong boundaries and a super-aggressive social media, she would have minded her Ps and Qs too. And maybe, just maybe, she would have been the civil servant most committed to India’s cause.
Shampa Dhar-Kamath
shampa@newindianexpress.com