A team of intrepid undercover web reporters posing as soothsayers penetrated a secret conclave of astrologers gathered to predict the events of 2014 and study the influence of various planets on the future. The explosive findings of the sting operation by Zebra Post (We Change Our Stripes is the motto) on the astrologers meet are published below.
Rahul Gandhi: Right now he is going through an antar dasa period called the Trisanku dasa, leaving him hanging between Digvijaya Singh and Kanishka Singh constellations. This is attributed to the malefic influence of Digvijaya Singh in the Mars lagna which would further bring setbacks to Rahul’s family business. Rahul is advised to stop rolling up his sleeves because it will cause Mars to be retrograde towards the Hand. The positive effects of the moon in crescent form, which proved beneficial in the past, would not yield the desired effects because of a conjunction of the BJP and SP over Muzaffarnagar. Remedy: After doing a bhoomi puja on DLF land to drive away the negative influence of Robert in Venus, immediately put elder sister in the Amethi lagna to avoid catastrophe in the next few months. Lucky Number: 0. Lucky Stone: Millstone.
Narendra Modi: The presence of Shivraj Singh Chouhan in the 12th house accompanied by Advani and Sushma Swaraj will pose problems in the coming months. However, Ram Jethmalani in the 10th house and Nitin Gadkari in the 11th house could counter the hostile impact. The movement of Mars along the Ayodhya longitude could well give Modi latitude. Numerous journeys are predicted in the coming months, thanks to the 9th house being exalted. The strong influence of Mercury will bring him popularity, but he is advised to carry a primary school history textbook written in Gujarati at all times to ward off CBI. Bihar may refuse to give him a visa, but drinking tea from a chaiwala will neutralise enemies from the East. Lucky Number: 272. Lucky Stone: Amit(shah)yst
Sonia Gandhi: The presence of the moon in the 1st house means she is prone to breaking into tears, seeing photographs or because opponents block her favourite bills. Her inner voice tells her that pasta in the Italian Cultural Centre cafeteria is much better than sarson ka saag at 7 Race Course Road, which has led her to donate free food to the poor at public expense. However, the presence of Modi when Mars is in the 12th house means she may not get control of the Upper House next year. Lucky stone: Italian marble. Lucky Number: 10 (Janpath).
Manmohan Singh: The planets indicate an eclipse in the Rajya Sabha yog, and a retrograde Jupiter will mean he will move house soon. Wearing a blue turban may not ward off the blues. He should avoid the colour black since it represents coal and brings misfortune in the 6th house. Financial miscalculations in the 8th house mean investments disappearing causing great loss of face. Lucky Number: Differs in economic percentage.
Arvind Kejriwal: The beneficial effects of Anna in the 10th house have put his Mars on the ascendant, but undertaking a fast would help him lose weight from a swollen head. For 10 days, he should keep away from worshipping Yogendra Yadav. Favorite number: Ask Yogendra Yadav.
Tarun Tejpal: A retrograde Venus in the 12th house means he will be lacerated in prison. Mercury will recuse itself from his 10th house and he will spend time reading from a revised edition of Descartes renamed “I Think, Therefore I Am in Prison.” Favorite stone: Jailhouse rock
Disclaimer: This newspaper refuses to take responsibility for either Zebra Post or the veracity of the predictions.