Wear sunglasses that obscure 75% of your face, and have the lithe, taut body of a 23-year-old who subsists on kale salads and cold-pressed juices. Wear a self-satisfied smirk of someone who has figured out a way to be paid to exist. A deep tan brought back from a “seriously magical” two-week vacation in the Maldives sponsored by a boutique resort won’t hurt either. Your body must always be contorted to a minimum of four angles – from all the bending and the posing.
Friend zone a guy with a DSLR so he can follow you around and ensure that nobody can detect the vacuous, terrified look in your eyes. It is also essential that you post song lyrics under each photo you post on Instagram with absolutely NO STYLE ADVICE WHATSOEVER. Never look directly into the camera; this creates a healthy distance between you and your thirsty readers.
‘Curate’ your entire wardrobe yourself. If you don’t know what that means (does anybody?) use the term ‘curate’ generously when you talk about personal style. Fall in love and call it oxblood this season, just because it sounds so much classier than maroon, which is essentially what people have been calling it for centuries.
Are you feeling yourself in your new Forever21 dress until you look around and realise that everyone is feeling themselves in your new Forever21 dress? Don’t be so passe! Carry your three-feet of ombre dyed beach waves to Brandy Melville or Altuzarra! Remember to shop from labels that sound obscure and are harder to pronounce. This increases your credibility as a personal fashion blogger.
Always, always, always remember to carry your bag at the crook of your arm and never your shoulder – no matter how much the 12 tubes of lipstick and perfume bottles weigh you down. It is also imperative that it be an LV bag – it truly does not matter which one, as long as it’s LV. Did I forget to mention that a Michael Kors oversized rose-gold watch is essential to truly encapsulate the look of a fashion blogger?
I’m sure your makeup looks fine, but you should find a way to make the process fussier and more complex-sounding. Think of a way that impresses people when you tell them that it’s a part of your everyday beauty routine, but also in a manner that they feel deep personal shame. Ensure your makeup looks lived-in and natural, like an old sweater or your other house. Bonus points if you sign off each post like Gossip Girl, xoxo!
(The writer is a reporter with TNIE,a hopeless romantic who loves to read, and would like a bottle of wine attached to an IV)