The festive season is upon us. It’s a time of cheer, good spirits and exhaustion. I don’t think anyone feels the stress of the holiday season more than parents.
There are Christmas presents to buy (should we get a set of tiny plastic pieces that fit together and costs the equivalent of one month’s grocery bills or shall we get a set of tiny plastic pieces that fit together and costs the equivalent of one month’s utility bills?).
There are holidays to plan (yes, let’s book expensive non-refundable tickets to an exotic location so that you can listen to your kids whine about how they want to watch TV and play Pokemon Go! Instead of looking at ‘stupid buildings’). There are cool new year plans to make (because what kind of sad, ageing person are you if those plans include binge watching Netflix with a glass of Turmeric Latte (your idea of being cool) and going to bed by 10:30pm?).
So, if there’s anyone who deserves a nice gift this Christmas, it’s a parent. Here’s my gift guide to the struggling, harried and exhausted parent you know.
Parents with children aged 0-3
Puke, wee and drool can really seep into bedsheets after a while, so do your friends a solid and buy them a new set. Or, perhaps a Mary Poppins-esque bag to carry around the three extra set of clothes, diapers, snacks, sippy cups, sleep lights and banjo needed to soothe their dd to sleep. Also, a set of noise cancelling headphones to mute the screaming and mutterings of ‘It’s your turn to change the diapers’.
Parents with children aged 4-7
Foghorns are a great present for parents in this phase of their life. Helps to get the attention of children playing football in the living room and partners pretending to be so engrossed in work emails they can’t hear a child calling out to have his or her bum wiped. Industrial boots with reinforced steel toes, because they’re going to be stepping on pin tacks and Lego, or have their feet trampled on by children wearing football spikes. Noise cancelling headphones to shut out whines of ‘5 more minutes?’ and ‘This looks like barf! I can’t eat it.’
Parents with children aged 8-12
Nose plugs are the gift du jour for these folks. Dirty socks under the bed, unwashed underwear and armpits and teeth that haven’t been scrubbed for a few days can cause something of an unpleasant whiff in the air. Noise cancelling headphones will win you friends for life. Nobody wants to hear those pre-teen door slams, ‘It’s not faaaaair’ and ‘She started it’. No one.
Parents with teenagers
I can’t comment here since my kids aren’t in this stage. But I’m guessing alcohol would be appreciated. Noise cancelling headphones won’t work for these folks, because by this stage their kids have pretty much stopped talking to them.
Empty nesters
Send them your kids as a yuletide surprise! After all, they must be missing the screams, fights, eye rolling, door slamming and sulking. After you send your kids over, slip on your own noise cancelling headphones so you can’t hear them call you in desperation or bang on your door to take the kids back. Happy holidays folks!
Menaka Raman
Twitter@menakaraman
The writer’s philosophy is: if there’s no blood, don’t call me