Dear 2017,
Scratch that…Respected 2017,
I realise that writing a letter to an arbitrary concept is nonsensical, but given the kind of year 2016 has been, resorting to a letter to profess humanity’s love for arbitrary social constructs and thereby hoping that this year does, in fact, turn out to be better than the one that preceded it is what the human gods, also known as scientists, would call appealing to primal desires.
The letter isn’t a hypothetical one. I made enough speculations and hypotheses in 2016 and it did not turn out well for anybody. So, this year, I am going to make a plea. An appeal. A proposal. A love letter to 2017.
Let’s start the year with some Gorilla love. Harambe Junior. Let’s not kill him and make memes, instead, we crown him, and make him the mayor of the internet. And we build a wall around Harambe junior that is high enough to prevent irresponsible parents from dropping their kids into innocent Harambe Junior’s abode.
Joss Whedon and Fox decide to collaborate and come back strong with the second season of the much-beloved cult TV show, Firefly. Looking at Nathan Fillion’s angel-like beauty, Donald Trump decides to repurpose the cliché of a New Year resolution and takes on. His New Year resolution is to come clean with all his lies. On the first day as president, he conducts a press conference from the Oval Office and tells the world that he has been lying all along. The Russian president, Vladimir Putin, tears up listening to Trump’s heartwarming statement. Trump and Putin are convinced that they are an evil to society and that they need to be locked away in prison. They hold hands, stepping down as their respective country’s presidents and lock themselves up in a distant but quaint Siberian prison.
In India, Modi has made WhatsApp forwards that seemingly respect the army and fit into a socially acceptable idea of patriotism the country’s currency. This has made smartphones a prerogative. Nokia, the phone manufacturer who had taken a backseat since the OS wars begun a few years ago, has decided to bounce back with a WhatsApp-supporting version of its historic 1100 model. On the contrary, a satire on the ongoing suffering warrants outrage.
But, wait. This is 2017. This will be the year of no outrage. That doesn’t mean people will be desensitised. It just means that people will express their opinions politely and if a person on the Internet realises they’re wrong, they will cordially concede. 2017 shall, henceforth,
be labelled as the year of polite Internet conversations.
Speaking of which, dear 2017, I would like it if you could ban sexist remarks. TV serials that dominate regional programming will henceforth be banned from playing outdated and archaic story lines that trivet on tropes and clichés that always demean women. Why ban rights, when you can ban societal evil?
Finally, 2017 will be a year where no celebrity or human or animal or plant or insect dies. I understand this does come in the way of everything the universe stands for — sustaining an ecosystem and overpopulation. But, hey, you keep boasting about how the universe is growing a little every year; so make the earth grow a little, plan some houses, and accommodate everybody.
Yours hopefully,
An ideal expecting too much from a measly 365 days
(When he isn’t writing, the creative producer with The Rascalas watches a lot of ‘cat videos’ on YouTube)