Do I blame the Kardashian/Jenner clan for my recent, but overpowering acrylic nail addiction? If it weren’t for them and their badass manis, I’d probably still be content with my sort of meh, shapeless nails. Now that I’ve entered the world of acrylics, I don’t know when or how I’m ever going to leave!
I also realised that my fake, almond shaped talons made a few others want to cringe, as evidenced by a friend saying, “ew,” when I showed her excitedly. (Though this was also her reaction when I was big into strobing… and she sometimes gets her hair PERMED. So I really can’t be offended.)
Anyway, I’m not going to defend how super-sexy my fake nails make me feel, or tell you what you might have already heard about them — they’re pricey, require weekly fillings, your nails are going to be paper-thin when you take them off, yada-yada… I’m here to share some of my latent learnings and realisations which came after weeks of wearing them.
You’ll become dependent on others in ways that might depress you. Dropped some coins on the ground? Good luck picking them up, because you can’t. Peeling off a sticker is a joke and if you think pinching people would become easier — it really doesn’t. Same goes for clasping necklaces, zipping jeans, buttoning shirts and pulling your debit card out of the stupid machines.
You’ll also need to re-learn how to open cans (use a knife), apply moisturiser (makeup brushes) and hold a baby without the fear of stabbing it (just don’t). Seriously, you can’t type at a normal angle. You’ll tap a button on your phone without anything happening five times, till you finally give up. Autocorrect came to the rescue after I accidentally called my boyfriend a ‘cookeramadonit’ …five times.
Clack, clack, clack. While this probably means you'll never be able to learn the piano, this also means you can click dramatically on a countertop to express boredom in a way natural nails just can’t. LIVING in general is louder with acrylic nails on. You can also use them as a perfect excuse to be the lazy cow you truly aspire to be. "Sorry, I can't do ___ because of my nails!" You're welcome.
As I’m both pigeon-toed and ridiculously accident-prone, there are several things that I’m terrified of. This includes spiralling staircases, rollerblades, and anyone under the age of 16 in a moshpit — cause teens just DGAF. Trust me. You can add my car door handle to the list now.
I broke my fake nail as I tried to open the car and holy mother of god there was SO MUCH BLOOD. Not like when you break a real nail, this was squirting out, Game of Thrones style and everything. I had to wait for the nail to heal and grow out so I could get another acrylic put on. You know… because I’m apparently a masochist that never learns her lesson.Did I tell you guys about the time I removed them with dental floss? Acetone is hell, but please, never ever use dental floss.
Saumya Chawla
@meoowbox
(The writer loves to over-share,drink wine and watch period dramas)