Kids say the darndest things. They also ask the darndest questions when you least expect them to. Like when you’re stalking someone on Instagram and “What are these balls for?” is lobbed at you from the other side of the phone (please go figure out which balls I am referring to. This is a family newspaper).
Sometimes, these questions make me wonder if I need to make some lifestyle changes. Sunday morning sleep-ins are a thing of the past, and incontinence and reduced vaginal elasticity are a thing forever. But apparently those sacrifices are not enough. Motherhood, is after all the gift that keeps on giving.
But I digress. Lifestyle changes. I’ve had to rethink some things, stand steadfast at other times, and also have some conversations sooner than I thought I would have to. Now, I don’t embarrass easily and find that most of my kids’ questions no matter how outrageous they may seem, can be answered with a straight face, science or candy.
Here are three conversations from the past and present and the things I have learned from
them. Cue: Sombre music that uplifts the soul.
Make kinder fashion choices
“What is this?” my now 9 year old asked last year waving a thong in my face.
“Underwear.”
“Where’s the rest of it?” asked his brother.
“That’s all there is.”
“Do we have rats in the house? Did rats eat your underwear?”
Allaying my children’s fears that we don’t live in a rat-infested home was just one reason to go thong-free. The other was that it’s damn near impossible to pull a wedgie out of your butt in public without people noticing.
Teaching body positivity
“Aaaaaaaargh!” screamed the 6 year old.
“What! What is it?”
“You have something growing out of your arm pit.”
“It’s hair.”
“UGH!” (This, from a rather hirsute little boy. How does one explain irony to a first grader? )
“No. Not Ugh. It’s normal. See it grows on my head and yours and all over the human body. And all over your body. Normal. Not ugh.”
“Well why don’t you take it off? You will be smooth and not poky.” (He could have a future working in my local parlour.)
“Nope. Don’t feel like it.”
“Fine.”
After 5 minutes of surreptitious looks my way, “Ok. How about you get rid of the beard?”
Teaching the facts of life
“Amma. Why do you wear diapers?”
“No I don’t.”
“Yes, you do. Look, I found these in your bathroom.”
“They aren’t diapers.”
So should we talk about respecting other people’s privacy first or should we talk about the birds and the bees first? I chose the latter. A succinct, scientific explanation of menstruation followed that left the boy looking a little shocked.
“Blood, out of there?”
“Yep! Well, now you know why Amma is sometimes in a bad mood every month.” I announce smugly.
“What’s the reason for the rest of the time?”
“Look! A giant Snickers bar!”
Sometimes you need to use candy and science.
Parents, don’t fob off your child’s questions with “Why do you want to know?” “You’re too young!” “Shhh! Keep quiet!. Instead, be honest, use them as an opportunity to have a dialogue with your children and rethink your underwear policy. That way, everyone wins.
Menaka Raman
Twitter@menakaraman
The writer’s philosophy is: if there’s no blood, don’t call me