There’s a catchphrase I’ve been reading on social media for the last few months, and I wanted to write about today: Sleep is the new sex. Apparently sleep is the new, elusive, must-have thing on people’s must-have list after self-actualisation, thigh gaps, and children who can say “Where is the MoMA?” in six languages whilst playing the harpsichord. Or at least this was true in 2017. But I’m going to use my ‘Get out of being ignorant about zeitgeisty things for free because you’re a mother’ card for this, and blame my children for my lack of knowledge of all things cool, essential and GST related. What? Pluto is no longer a planet? It’s just a yellow dog with long ears? When did this happen? So, back to sleep.
Apparently, sleep is now so important, impossible and sexy that Arianna Huffington wrote a book about it called ‘The Sleep Revolution’ and even gave a TED talk about how sleep and success are connected. You know sleeping is serious business when you have to be told by famous people why you should sleep and how you should be doing it. So, now sleep is so sexy it’s sexier than sex. Hence, sleep is the new sex. I was going to scoff at this statement like I do at many other catchphrases. Like 40 is the new 30. Toe cleavage is the new cleavage.
Oranges are the new bananas. I don’t usually buy into this stuff unless there’s a hardback book that cost Rs 750 to back it up. But I realised, sleep is the new sex. Especially if you’re a parent. Here’s how this is true. Once you have kids sleep becomes rare. At times you’ll wonder if you ever actually slept at all. You’ll fondly reminisce with your partner about how long you could sleep, how many times a day you slept and the best sleep of your life. After kids, you’ll take any kind of sleep you can get. Even if it’s only for five minutes and all by yourself. You’ll look at people who don’t have children who are clearly getting sleep, and you will hate them because they look younger, happier and more satisfied than you ever will. You’ll lie to your friends about how much sleep you’re getting.
All of you will lie to each other. Along with lies about whose child is already sleeping through the night, how much screen time the kids are allowed and how much junior loves pureed kale. This is best done on WhatsApp, as lies and exhaustion always reveal themselves in one’s eyes. “Wait, was that sleep?” Like sightings of the Yeti, unicorns, and other mythical creatures, you will think you are getting sleep. You will be willing to bet your life that you are. But in reality that was not sleep. It was just a hallucination you were having about sleep, brought on by exhaustion. Replace the word sleep with the other s-word above, and you will see that sleep indeed is the new sex. Now, while you busy yourself with this activity I will go and prepare for my TED talk. It’s called ‘Face lifts are the new power naps.’ It’s 2018 peeps, sleep is so last year.
MENAKA RAMAN
@menakaraman
The writer’s philosophy is: if there’s no blood,don’t call me