The year is 2025. Intergalactic marauders fond of snacking on human brains have descended on planet earth and wiped out much of the population. Alternative scenarios: a deadly virus developed in a secret laboratory is unleashed upon the planet turning everyone who comes into contact with it in to rabid, brain eating monsters. Option C: The Handmaid’s Tale.
Let’s go with option 1. Rumours of a safe haven in a secluded mountain range float amongst those whose medulla oblongata didn’t end up as alien elevenses. A young, intrepid couple set out in search of this refuge with their young children in tow. Will they find what they seek or will their journey into the desolate, ravaged countryside be for nothing?
If you’ve seen enough post apocalypse movies or television shows and read the books they’re based on you have an idea of how this is all going to pan out. However, I wonder if the people who write these books and screenplays have children. Or have ever met children. Or even observed how children behave. If they had, none of them in their right mind would suggest that the kids get taken along when people are trying to outrun zombies, religious crazies or invaders from out of space. Here’s why:
Imagine those final moments before you flee your home. You’re packing essentials: food rations, blankets, medicines and possibly a sten gun - only the things that you need. Then your child come along with their ugly Ben10 strolley bulging with the things they can’t live without: Uno, the one eyed teddy bear they haven’t looked at for six years and that 10,000 piece Lord of the Rings Lego set you got to distract them from impending doom. Try making a get away carrying all that.
After negotiating patiently with your child on what constitutes an essential item and explaining what life or death situation means, after bidding a tearful goodbye to Max your budgerigar and setting him free, after remembering to cancel the milk subscription, you’re finally in the car. Guess who’s going to say ‘I need to go potty’?
‘Are we there yet?’ ‘How much longer till we don’t need to fear for our lives?’ ‘This is boring. I don’t want to go to the safe haven.’ ‘Can we get a burger at McDonalds on the way?’ ‘He’s making weird faces at me!’ ‘I’m bored.’ ‘What do you mean i can’t charge my ipad?’
In case you’re telling the kids that you’re taking them on a fun ‘road trip’ be prepared for: ‘Where are we staying?’ ‘Is there a pool there?’ ‘Will there be wi-fi?’ ‘It sounds lame!’
You’re hiding in a hole/barn/basement and brain eating aliens are skulking around trying to sniff you out. That’s the precise moment your child will choose to pass wind, burp or ask loudly: ‘What’s for dinner tonight?’
I’m just saying, if you think you can escape aliens/zombies with your kids in tow, think again. Instead, maybe turn the kids loose on the opposition. Once they spend a few minutes with Jr. and co, chances are pretty high that they’ll go back to wherever they came from and set course for another galaxy far, far away.
Menaka Raman
Twitter@menakaraman
The writer’s philosophy is: if there’s no blood, don’t call me