BENGALURU: What do you like to do on holiday? Sightsee? Soak up the local culture? or Sample the local cuisine? Me, I like watching television and buying trashy tabloid magazines. Nothing informs you about the country you’re visiting better than reading about its celebrities and the shenanigans.
So, much to my sister’s consternation and embarrassment I spent time and money on our recent vacation purchasing national treasures like Us Weekly, Star, In Touch and OK! Magazine. Amongst the many wonderful columns like Celebrities Without Their Makeup, Trout Pout and How to Avoid It and ‘Stars! They’re Just Like Us! (which shares photos of celebrities walking, drinking juice and talking on the phone) was my favourite section What’s in Your Bag? where famous women share the details of the bag they’re carrying and its contents.
One thing I discovered was that the models and celebrities who were parents didn’t seem to carry anything even remotely baby-related in their Prada tote. God forbid we should sully hand-stitched Italian leather with a fruit pouch.
Now, dear reader, lest you think that all gorgeous, talented, famous for reasons you cannot discern women who happen to be parents are like that, I’m willing to share the contents of my brown leather tote with you.
1. The contents of a packet of Nerds purchased at the airport. Nerds, in case you don’t have sugar-high children, are tiny candies that look like but do not taste like multi-coloured rat turds.
2. A small colony of ants who moved in after the pack of Nerds spilled out. Why keep a stash of organic granola bars in your bag like Margot Robbie when you can just fight an ant for a crusty pink Nerd? Hunger pangs taken care of in an instant.
3. I don’t use dandelion extract-scented organic, vegan wipes. But what I do have are these amazing giant dry soap sheets that I found at the pharmacy outside the government hospital in Parel, Mumbai. Who says you can’t find treasures in your local neighbourhood? Shop local peeps!
4. Mason Pearson may make the best boar bristle brushes in the world, but in my bag you’ll find a standard issue Pondy Bazaar comb in blue and white stripes. You will also find a large swathe of my hair still stuck to it, which the ants have turned into a delightful home.
5. No mother’s bag is complete without a pair of spare undies in it. Now, now, they aren’t mine, but I’m pretty sure the spiderman underpants belongs to one of my two sons (though with the way my kegel muscles are behaving these days who’s to say I won’t have an accident and need to use them for myself?)
So there you have it, the contents of my bag. Are you amazed by just how like you I am? Do you feel like you know me a little bit better? Do you feel like you too can now be an amazing, yummy mummy? Next week’s column: how to choose the perfect filter when taking pictures of your darling little one for Instagram.