Never BE possessive in a relationship

Published: 18th August 2016 03:37 AM  |   Last Updated: 18th August 2016 03:37 AM   |  A+A-


BENGALURU: My boyfriend recently got a message from a long lost friend. He used to be her best friend while they were young. He accepted her friend request on Facebook and chats with her sometimes. I am afraid if he will get close to her. I feel possessive and probably insecure. Should I be worried?

Technology reconnects people and people do feel a lot of kick in lost and found friendships.  It’s nostalgic.  But, confronting him right now will only lead to trust issues.  One must never be possessive in relationship.   Kahlil Gibran says, “Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love”.  You seem like an anxious personality clouded with negative thoughts, hence the in secured feeling. What if he gets closer is only a future. Let’s cross that bridge when we come to it.  Are you not confident about your feelings for him?  Relationships are like birds.  If you hold tightly they die, if you hold loosely, they fly.  Hold with care and not being careful!!


2. My husband and I have been married for four years. We have a son too. I feel like our relationship is dimming down slowly. We hardly seem to have time together and when we do, we don’t seem too happy. He enjoys going out and do activities with friends while I stay home and take care of our son. How should I work things out with my husband?

Nest building is not easy. Healthy nest building involves questions like how much intimacy and interdependence will we have in this marriage? How much freedom and autonomy do we each need? Reasons can be many for the dull married life. Making it happy and happening is within our creative living. There are two parts to improve emotional connection. Things you can do for your partner and things you can do with your partner.

You can do these activities sporadically or you can build them into recurrent rituals. Talk to him about his important childhood memories. That will be a lot of emotional connect. Listen, listen and listen. Get your son to draw/paint a card and mail him. Small things can make a big difference. You can make lot of time if you avoid excessive house cleaning and work on our body image, and invest in yourself.

Keep the morning rituals of coffee and breakfast in an unhurried and calm manner, every day and day after day.  That meaningful silence can mean a lot to your spouse.  Next, every Sunday, give an off to your domestic help and create privacy. Avoid milk man and paper bill payment, so that you are not stressed on a Sunday. Now, laze in the bed and fix up a “brunch” at 11.30 am. Later, you have time to go out. The day is yours entirely.

If you are spending too much time in childcare, you could be taking over responsibility of your child. If your son is demanding lot of time from you, think, why so. Get him a separate cot to sleep. Yes, sometimes the husband can carry the attitude, ‘baby is wife’s project.’ Help him to enjoy being a father. Help them to enjoy father-son bonding.

Bed time is symbolic of the trust and intimacy in marriage.  It is not the time to complain and get angry. Let go of the ill feelings that HE cannot cheer up the marriage. Night time is an interval just to be together, cuddle and relax. 

If you feel all the above is done and nothing is working, it means you know how to work on the relationship, but you are not ready to do it for longer period of time. No matter what, pay attention to him and slowly he will learn to give the attention you want. Perseverance is the key to success. 


- Dr Shubha Madhusudhan is a clinical psychologist at Fortis Hospitals, Cunnigham Road

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