BENGALURU: I scorn you, scurvy companion. More of your conversation would infect my brain. Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.Shakespeare, no doubt was the King of the comeback, the Sultan of swear, the High Priest of the insult. But it can be hard for some of us to remember these beautifully crafted sentiments the next time we want to verbally slap someone across the face. “Thine face is not worth sunburning”, though witheringly effective, might not exactly slip out of your mouth with alacrity when someone is throwing shade at you. Fear not, for I have a fine selection of easy to remember insults, worded with care, thought and great attention to detail by our homestead’s resident bards, aged 9 and 6.
Butt Nugget
Not to be confused with butt rocket, which is a patent pending future technology that will propel one into deep space via jet packs attached to the posterior. A butt nugget is akin to a crunchy barnacle that tenaciously clings to sea side rock formations. Whereas here, they cling to well, butts. When one is feeling particularly vitriolic, one may embellish to suit one’s mood: ‘pus filled butt nugget’ is a particular favourite.
You frickin frick
Etymology unknown. First heard in the tragicomedy “He Took My Fidget Spinner”, Act I Scene II. Experts have reason to believe that the phrase is a primary school going child’s attempt to modify and use a certain four letter word that they are not allowed to utter. No known meaning of this phrase exists, allowing it to mean anything or everything.
Pink Fluffy Unicorn
Dancing on a Rainbow
Used to describe something frivolous and silly. Singing the words in a high pitched voice while moving limbs in the semblance of a dance enrages one’s adversary to frightening effect.
One would caution that the song and dance routine be used with discretion.
Poopy Nincompoop
No doubt, the only thing worse than being a foolish person, is a foolish person covered in excrement.
Stupid Idiot Face
Double burn. Sure “Thine face is not worth sunburning” has more of a bite to it, but can lead to protracted conversations about the need to use sun block. Stupid Idiot Face on the other hand is succinct and conveys the meaning with an economy of words.
Me Ball
Source: ‘The One and Only Ivan’ by Katherine Applegate. Refers to a rolled up ball of poo that Silver Back Ivan likes to fling about in his cage.
Hence ‘You look like a me ball’ can both mean: you look like a ball of my poop or you look like a ball of your poop or you look like a ball of gorilla poop.
Gargoyle Butt Face
If you’ve picked up on the recurring theme of rear ends and excrement, make yourself a me ball! Gargoyle butt face can be truly hurtful. After all, with a face like that, a gargoyle’s butt can’t exactly be pretty.
So there you have it, our household’s favourite insults and retorts. Feel free to use them, change them and add to them. We’re very generous with our insults as you can see.