BENGALURU: Ever have feelings that you don’t quite deserve the love you have in your life, that you are not quite in the same ‘league’ as your loved one? It is, of course, questionable if feelings of love are best experienced within the same league, whether it is about social or economic conditions, beauty or fitness standards, caste or community, or any combination of the number of different aspects that could make one different from the other, and whether there are even any leagues as such. Somewhere between ‘birds of a feather flock together’ and ‘opposites attract,’ all relationships float around between and within such leagues.
What really happens when we think someone is out of our league, is that we might not even act on any attraction that might be there, thinking nothing will come of it and we might even self-sabotage any chance that might have been there of something special. We might turn a blind eye to flirtations, not even registering it or worse, we might think that it is just play or that we are being played and not take it up at all. On the other hand, if we are already in a relationship and then start having these thoughts when we meet their friends or family, or when we talk about books, movies, work or other things, the idea of whether or not we are in the same league can be very triggering.
At the very least, it can make one feel insecure, and at its worst, it can be quite destructive. We might withdraw unilaterally from them thinking we should get away before we get too hurt. We might get needy and make our loved ones work extra hard at reassuring us that we are very much the object of their desire. We might pull them into what is our comfort zone, demanding changes to their lifestyle, get them to cut off their friends or other aspects of their lifestyle, getting them to curtail their career ambitions, intellectual growth, their expenses or whatever else triggers the feeling of being less than.
If we see ourselves in such a relationship where there is much disparity between the partners, to make it work, what we really need is to truly respect ourselves and all our identities, how we grew up to become who we are and be proud of ourselves, and similarly, to respect and honour the other persons’ histories, capabilities and ambitions. Some of the most awesome love stories are ones that happen across these leagues, such as the story in the film Titanic, and like in that movie, our friends, family, work colleagues and others may judge us, and the pressures to conform can be enormous.
It takes a lot of self awareness to be in a place where leagues do not matter and we can really be open to loving people from all sorts of backgrounds. We may not be quite there, and that’s ok as long as we don’t let it drag us down the spiral of insecurity.
Mahesh Natarajan
(The author is a counsellor with InnerSight)