BENGALURU: Have you heard of the saying, “Don’t go to bed angry?”
In the context of people in relationships, people use this saying to mean that we should try and resolve any conflict we get into with each other right then and there, when what we are angry about and fighting over is still fresh in our minds, and not let it fester without being aired. The fear is that if we do not do that, it might hang around in our mind, let it gather more resentment around it, till it builds up momentum and explodes suddenly in an inopportune moment and not really do much for the relationship at all.
Then again, people also say “Sleep over it!” Anytime you have tough feelings over a rough day, feel wronged or confused, or triggered over some action, they advise you to sleep over it – take the night off. Go to sleep. Then, when you wake up the next morning, maybe you will see it in a different light. Maybe what seemed earth-shattering when it was happening might just seem like a minor issue, if even that and you would not want to waste another moment over it.
On the other hand, they might say that even if it was a solid issue that you still felt upset about, sleeping over it allows you the break you need to really find for yourself what was upsetting you and from a calmer place, understand how you want to address it.
The night’s break could allow you to articulate your experience better, ask for what is it that you really want and perhaps the confrontation will be a healthier one than if you went at it hammer and tongs when the issue first came to light.
So, which one is it that you want to follow? Don’t go to bed angry, or sleep over it? Let me offer you a third alternative. What if the message is really, “Don’t go to bed together when angry?”
Think about it for a minute. If you and your partner are angry with each other, decide to just go to bed in that mood, would you really have a good night? Granted that there is a small chance that being physically intimate might release some of the tension, but that does not happen consistently, and in reality, even if it happened a few times, chances are that after a while, it will no longer be an option. What typically happens if you go to bed angry together, neither would sleep well. If one accidentally slept off, the other might just resent it, feeling angrier at that. Other petty acts could also ensue - like deliberately hogging the blankets, or keeping the A/C colder than usual.
Being too close like going to bed together when angry may not work, and being too far like sleeping over it and forgetting it may not work either. When we are angry, a bit of space and time from each other can help, but only a little bit.