Heartbreak season (also called ‘summer’ by the fans of teams that have already won the IPL) is here. The next two months are going to be filled with hope, anguish, and heartbreak. In its 18th year, as the IPL turns into an adult – we need to take matters into our own hands. We have tried buying players, solidifying our bowling attack, and even focusing on bowlers – but to no avail. Hence, yours truly has listed a few ways through which the Royal Challengers Bengaluru can finally watch Virat Kohli hold the IPL trophy aloft. Full disclosure – some of these methods might raise eyebrows. Pundits might call the methods unethical. But desperate times call for desperate measures. And who would choose being on top of the FairPlay awards over actually winning the tournament? And hence – ladies, gentlemen, and friends beyond the binary – here are the unconventional ways that we can finally achieve the dream of ‘ee sala cup namde’.
RCB’s trump card undoubtedly is Virat Kohli. He debuted in the year when the IPL began and has won every significant international trophy (apart from the IPL). After following his career for more than a decade and a half, the author has found that Kohli performs exceedingly well when the opponent is Pakistan. Make him watch his best innings against Pakistan before every match, just to bring out the beast in him. Kohli is also known for his aggression, and that’s something we need to capitalise on. Instead of a stump mic, have Kohli mic’d up for the entire duration of the match. This is enough to deflate the spirits of the opponents.
Bengaluru is also the home of startups, where nearly everything can be delivered in 20 minutes (except an IPL trophy, of course). Hence, it is of importance that we use the ecosystem to our advantage. Make the opponents stay in Electronic City. Let them experience the traffic of Bengaluru as bicycles zip past them, and they wring their hands in frustration. Before the match, let the opponents have some bisibelebath or ragi mudde. How can they bowl in perfect rhythm when their bowel movements have become irregular? Make the opponents travel by Bengaluru autos. All the confusion between ‘metre’, ‘per kilometre rates’, and the calculations are enough to confuse the opponents and dishearten them.
Karnataka is rich in local art and culture. Hire huli vesha dancers from coastal Karnataka. Not only will the opponents be extremely confused with the tiger costumes (wondering if they’re playing Bangladesh), but also the scary expressions and dance steps will intimidate them. Appoint real estate brokers as ball boys. Every time the ball reaches the boundary, moustached men with gold chains throw the ball back to the fielder and ask “You want 3BHK? One day moving in. Right now talk to the owner.” Everytime Kohli hits the ball into the stands, collude with the spectators to ensure that the ball is lost for a while. This will increase the opponents’ over rate considerably, further deflating their spirits.
Bring back de Villiers – just for the feels. Have Gayle speak to the opponents before every match. Have MNC-s declare compulsory ‘work from home’ on the days of RCB matches. Do anything necessary; make the entire city the Impact Player. For when the time comes to back the team – we shall do anything to ensure ee sala cup namde –whether ethically or unethically!
(The writer’s views are personal.)