CHENNAI: Kjeld Shreshth (yes, you read that right) is a Tamil stand-up comedian who is now settled in Bengaluru. Growing up in a conservative Catholic household, Kjeld had a brush with religion more often than he’d like. Excerpts from a ‘divine’ chat
First thing you’d say if god appears before you?
I would point to my face and then yell “Why God? Why? Why God!”
One thing you would ask god for?
I would ask god for ‘a get out of hell free’ card just in
case I screw up at some point of time in my life
What profession do you think god would take up if he was on earth?
God would be a comedian. And I think he’d be an observational comic, just standing there talking shit about his own creations and saying things like “OH-MY-SELF! Look at this guy! He looks so stupid! Who the hell gave YOU life?”
If god was a woman?
I’m pretty sure god is a woman, because she keeps telling people that only she can bring life into this world.
Three things you would do if you were god?
(a) Start my own religion because I want one too (b) Remove all the negative side effects of alcohol consumption and smoking (c) Abolish guilt about masturbation.
Your most godly encounter ever?
I once got really drunk on top of a church in Munnar on the side of a hill and when we got back down, I was suddenly overcome with this deep feeling of guilt of having desecrated a holy place. In my search for penance, I started to strip away my clothes and walk drunkenly into the woods, where I knelt down and begged god for forgiveness... But it soon dawned on me that I was kneeling down, butt-naked, in the woods, on the side of a hill. And that if a snake chose to bite me at that time, I would most definitely die. I immediately ran out and was lucky to find at least my boxers. God has a sense of humour and I don’t like it.
Funny thing in a place of worship?
I generally can’t remember because I’m sleeping there all the time... If I’m going to hell for the things I said here, hope some of you join me there to laugh.
(As told to Varun B Krishnan)