'Hello Darkness My Old Friend', tips to understand our dark side

We all have default behaviours, a dark, cringe-worthy side. A side we don’t really like and wished we didn’t have.

Image used for representational purposes only

HYDERABAD: We all have default behaviours, a dark, cringe-worthy side. A side we don’t really like and wished we didn’t have. Most of us think of ourselves as good-humoured, good-hearted creatures with a strong sense of decency, civil behaviour and sensitivity. Yet, there is a side of us we refuse to acknowledge, and no matter how hard we try to hide it, it pops up when we least expect it.

Sometimes, these dark traits end up consuming us and destroy our lives and dreams. It then becomes a must to identify, acknowledge, and harness these traits. Dark traits could be anger, laziness, jealousy, a sharp tongue, irrational behaviour, bad spending habits, addictions, willfulness, perfectionism, aggressive or violent behaviour, selfishness, narcissism and many more such behaviours -- all traits which are either anxiety-provoking, cringe-worthy or unpleasant.

Here are some tips on how to understand your dark side.

• Spot it, list it, look at it: List out your dark or, what do you feel are, undesirable trades. Sometimes, you will be surprised at how long or how short or how intense that list is. Life and it’s stress can often prompt challenges which make our dark shadows emerge. Under pressure, our behaviours change. A happy person becomes pensive, a good boss becomes difficult, a happy child throws tantrums. So, pick up that pen and make that list.
• Accept it: What you do not accept, persists. Once you accept your dark side, it becomes a point of focus and turns into a motivation to change it.
• Don’t live in denial: Sometimes, we are the toxic ones. Unknowingly, what we hate in others may be a part of our behaviours too. It’s never easy to see ourselves as negative or toxic, but once we try to understand, the change can be automatic.
• List your strengths and weaknesses: Look at the power and potential you possess. It’s important to focus on positives to be able to change the negatives.
• Understand: Your dark side may have its roots in abuse, trauma or neglect in the formative years. See how you can deal with those painful facts. Practise mindfulness, forgiveness and gratitude. Work on your emotional intelligence and resilience.
• Take help: Learn life skills such as resilience, emotional intelligence, stress management, emotional regulation and distress tolerance, among others.
• Healthy lifestyle and a good work ethic: Learn to appreciate and praise yourself; do the same with others. Finally, practise self-love, self-care and self-acceptance. Understand yourself better. Both your dark side and your bright side are a part of you.

(The author is a mental health professional and psychotherapist at Dhrithi Wellness Clinic)

Mind Matters
Dr Purnima Nagaraja