HYDERABAD: I once met a woman in a cafeteria. “I have never taken a vacation in 25 years of my employment,” she said. “It’s work all the time, I have no time for anything. I’m longing to visit a spa, but I’m so busy,” she laughed nervously. “My friends are so angry with me for neglecting them, but who has the time?”
Does this narrative sound familiar? Well, welcome to the world of self-sabotage. Self-sabotage refers to certain behaviours and thought patterns that prevent you from doing all the things you like — relaxing, having fun, being with friends, etc.
Here are a few self-sabotaging behaviour patterns:
Not taking a break
Being too busy to meet friends, visit the mall or salon, or even relax
Working longer hours
Making promises to oneself and not keeping them
Binge watching, surfing the Internet when there is a deadline to meet
Compulsive shopping even though you are broke
Making resolutions to eat healthy or go for walks, but not sticking by them
Blaming, self-reproach and guilt when things do not go right
Continuous procrastination, perfectionism, addictions
Neglecting doctor appointments and health red-flags because you are too busy
Self-harm such as starving, cutting, head banging, for self-care like bathing, washing or housework, fad diets
Not paying attention to relationship needs or red-flags
The list could go on, but as you read you will see so many relatable points. Now, you may ask, why does one self-sabotage? Amongst the many psychological reasons, the top three seem to be:
Fear of rejection: Rejection, neglect or rebuff, one tends to unconsciously resort to self-harming or sabotaging to stay paradoxically in a mentally safe space even if it is abusive.
Mirroring: If a parent or a loved one indulges in self-sabotaging or self-defeating behaviours, one tends to mirror similar behaviours when they grow up.
Low self-esteem: In order to justify one’s low opinion of oneself, they tend to self-sabotage to mask these feelings of self-loathing, self-defeat and inadequacy.
The other reasons include childhood trauma, abuse, neglect, response to stress and intrusive self-defeating thoughts. Whatever the reason, the act proves damaging to a person’s physical, emotional and psychological well-being. Here’s how to end it:
Make a list of your behaviours, flag the self-defeating ones.
Make short to-do lists and try to tick them off as you progress.
Make time for yourself, without guilt.
Practise self-reliance.
Maintain a social calendar.
Are you in a toxic relationship, surrounded by dysfunctional, overcritical or toxic people? Try and distance yourself and rethink your life strategies.
Stop pulling yourself down.
Self-sabotage is subtle, insidious and can takeover our lives. Be watchful, mindful and enthusiastic. We certainly can lead better lives if we stop victimising ourselves.
(The author is a consultant psychiatrist at Dhrithi Wellness Clinic, Hyderabad)