I once saw a couple with a four-year-old child trying to board a moving train at a railway station. The railway police stopped the couple from getting into the train which had picked up speed as getting in would have been risky. They appeared frustrated and angry for missing the train and the confused child started crying. The lady started beating the child in anger to stop the child’s crying. She was venting her frustration on the child.
Like this lady, quite often, parents vent their frustration, responsibilities and other unmanageable emotions onto their children. Such actions can affect the child’s development. It is necessary to be sensitive to the child’s experience and be conscious of the parenting process. Picking up where we left off last week on abusive and conditional styles of parenting, this week we shall discuss assertive care and supportive care.
Assertive care
Here the priority is the child’s needs. In this style, the parents take time and care to attune themselves and understand what the child wants and then give care accordingly. The style is assertive because the parent makes a loving intrusion into the child’s space. Sometimes, children may resist what is good for them, like going to school, facing the teacher after making a mistake or visiting a doctor when sick. Parents may be firm and supportive to enable the child to go through the perceived tough experience. The underlying message the child gets is,“I am with you to support you to take responsibilities for yourself.”
Parents may also share why they did certain things contrary to the expectations of the child. The control is established through dialogue and action. In assertive care, the child feels important, loved and lovable. This paves the way for a healthy self esteem in the child and a feeling of being protected by their parents.
Supportive care
The parent respects and trusts the child’s innate capability to take care of and be responsible for themselves. Here, the child is offered support and the child can choose to take it or not. An example of this is, a parent would say, “If you want you can take my help to finish your home work or you can do it yourself”. This way, parents demonstrate their trust in the child. Children feel respected and learn to make appropriate choices.
This ability helps while choosing careers and relationships. The child’s individual identity is also intact. Since they know that things will not be forced on them unnecessarily, they freely express their wants and feelings. Knowing they can reach out to their parents when in need helps develop a sense of being both separate and connected. These children feel “I am not alone” and “it is ok to have my own wants and needs”. They also learn when to be dependent and when to be independent.
While these are the best styles of parenting, supportive care has to be the first choice as it develops the child’s ability to assess and make decisions on their own. Next week, I will discuss overindulgence and neglectful styles of parenting.