This week, we will discuss the final two styles of parenting — overindulgence and neglectful. These two styles can harm the process of children developing into mature and happy adults.
Overindulgent style
In this style, parents provide facilities for children before the children are mature enough to handle it. This style of parenting is a patronising kind of care which promotes continuing dependence on the parent and teaches the child not to think independently. These children believe “I must be loyal to my indulging parent to have my needs met” and hence they compromise on life’s possibilities and opportunities to maintain dependency on the parent/others.
Children who are brought up this way believe they are not capable and fail to develop the required competence to face life. Even as adults, they fail to take responsibility for themselves and think other people are obliged to take care of them. They may learn to play a victim to get other people’s attention and support, and to reinforce dependency. What parents need to become conscious of is: “In what way am I stopping my child from making a choice and doing things on their own in their pace.” This awareness will help parents to not interfere with the child’s ability to be independent.
Neglectful style
In this style, parents are not available due to lack of time or they are overwhelmed by their personal problems and are unable to give quality attention to the children. This style is a passive abuse. These parents are not available to their children physically or emotionally. These parents are not giving attention to the development needs of the child. As children grow, they may have questions, desires and confusions when they encounter various situations in life. They may feel hurt, guilt or shame. Children need an emotional holding and engagement to share their subtle emotions.
When they don’t get this from their parents they develop mistrust in relationships and have a fear of forming close relationships as they grow into adults. These children feel that they are not wanted and come to conclusions like “life is hard” and these beliefs interfere with their ability to enjoy life. When children feel neglected, parents must try to build a trusting and engaging relationship with the child.
The assertive and supportive styles of parenting are good for a child’s overall development. Poet Kahlil Gibran wrote a tribute to parents who nurture their children in the right spirit.
“You are the bows from which your children
As living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
And He bends you with His might
That His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.”
I wish you happy parenting!