CHENNAI: I am a final-year MBA student. The problem I face is the fear of women, especially when I see a girl sexually exposed or wearing tight clothes. I feel uneasy and avoid places where there may be girls. Some sort of fear grips me when I have to speak to girls these days.
It makes me feel weary and fatigued. All this started after several rape case reports started appearing on TV and in the papers. I’ve become allergic to the word ‘rape’. I just hate looking at girls my age and feel guilty when I look at them. Counsellors have asked me if I have had any bitter experiences, and I have not. Kindly advise.
From your writing, I understand that this fear grips you only when you hear the news about rape. You have also written that you have had no bitter experience. Yet you go through a struggle. Many people went through similar stress after the shocking rape incident in Delhi and you can assure yourself that all is well with you. My guess is, you feel responsible and have a need to protect women from harm. Your sense of guilt comes from your helplessness to protect women.
I sense the struggle you go through when you meet women or see women dressed provocatively. You feel that they may invite abusers who may harm them. As of now, my understanding is that you seem to merge with what is happening in the environment and there is no boundary between you and the environment. This is called ‘confluence’ in Gestalt therapy. As you are not aware of the confluence, you are getting overwhelmed and you are avoiding women as a whole and are also experiencing fear. This perspective of confluence will help you have a different awareness about the situation you are in.
To manage the situation you are in, firstly, look for instances where women are safe. This counter-evidence will help you feel that the environment is not all bad. Secondly, know where your responsibility to safeguard others starts and where it ends. This will help you form a boundary for yourself. One more suggestion is, whenever you hear news of rape, disassociate and experience the news from a distance. This will help you manage your emotional reactions associated with such news.
I will recommend one way for you to dissociate from a painful news or incident. Pull your shoulders back and raise your chin up, and automatically you will see yourself viewing the incident and not being a part of the incident. As you are able to sense the pain prevailing in the society, you can also do some social service to empower rape victims and spread awareness among men about the consequences of abusive behaviour. In this way, you will be taking charge of your helplessness and also do good for the society. All the best!