Pause to See the Reason Behind Lies

If a child lies, listen to his/her explanation before acting on it. Avoid drastic punishments as it can curb the child’s growth.

HONESTY IN KIDS

As a therapist, I meet many children at my centre . The children tell me things that they do not want their  parents to know. Their narrative includes experiences like,  “I did not go to my school today, I threw my medicine down the flush, I fell down from my cycle and hurt my head, I drink or smoke, I have been sexually abused, I tried to commit suicide as I felt worthless”. All these children had one common request to me, “Please don’t tell this to my parents”. When I ask the reason for not telling parents,  I get a variety of answers like my mother or father will overreact, my parent may get sick, I will be not be allowed to go to school by cycle, what will my parents think of me?, I have brought disgrace to my family” and so on. Though the reasons vary, the underlying theme is that children feel very vulnerable at such moments . They are scared, guilty, ashamed and angry and experience many mixed feelings  towards themselves which they are unable to share with their parents. They are managing these mixed emotions all alone. It’s like standing on a hot pot and being unable to say what they are going through.

I certainly believe in orienting children to the values of honesty and integrity. It is important for their personal growth and I also see it as a social responsibility. Children grow in a family system and this system has an influence on the value orientation of the child. If a child is lying or stealing money from home, it is not enough to only see the child as the wrong doer. Many times children hide or lie due to the fear of losing love from a parent or fear of being punished. Neither does our school system permit honest expressions. Once a 14-year-old boy told me that when he was studying in the Class IV, he had told his school principal that he did not like the school, to which the principal answered, “Then go find another school”. The school principal did not make the effort or take the time to understand why the child did not like the school. It was an honest expression of the child but was not heard with respect. So if a child is not behaving honestly, there might be various factors involved. Patience and understanding is much needed when tackling the younger generation.

“When the black thread breaks, the weaver shall look into the whole cloth, and he shall examine the loom also”, poet Khalil Gibran once said. When a child exhibits dishonest behaviour, the family and school need to ask themselves, “What if we do will the child  be able to shape himself and behave honestly?” In the tender hearts of children, honesty can become a heavy weight if the family, school and society thrust it on them without providing support. All of us need to understand that honesty in children is a developmental task and not a rigid rule to be followed or preached.

— to be continued next week

Related Stories

No stories found.
The New Indian Express
www.newindianexpress.com