Dear Readers,
I felt the need to write about this for our conversation this week as, I'm sure many of you are finding it hard to cope with friends today. Reason being... "The Concept of Friendship" has also evolved, due to a variety of factors.
In spite of not being very old, age wise, but still being blessed with an amazing set of genuine friends much older to me, I was lucky enough to have the best of both worlds. I'd like to express in my opinion how the dynamics of our interpersonal bonding has changed today.
If we have a look at the dynamics of relationships, let's say as early as just a couple of decades earlier...We can see that friendship has evolved more into a relationship of mutual benefit.
Majority of our fathers and forefathers followed the "Simple Living, High Thinking" mantra. It didn't matter what you owned, how you commuted, which brand of apparel you were seen in, whether you arrived on a cycle or in a Mercedes. Everyone would interact on the level of being an human first and then their other tags... i.e. Doctor, Engineer, Businessman, Minister or a labourer. If people could help each other in need they would, or would maybe be open about it and still maintain a wonderful relationship.
On a personal note, it definitely saddens me to say that today as soon an as an acquaintance is formed between two or more individuals, and as soon as they get to know a little about each other, each one is planning and calculating how their friendship can be lucrative in the future.
Does Friendship really exist?
This is a pretty tricky question, but to be optimistic, it definitely does! But if I have to be realistic, we all need to understand that a bonding that we create and sustain is at the bottom line a specific transaction between two individuals. It might sound a little brutal and business-like but that's the truth. The transaction might be anything, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, materialistic, or just plain simple like having a shoulder to cry on.
Do we need friends?
We definitely do! No matter even if technology advances to a level where we have realistic robots with advanced artificial intelligence we still need the human element. Keeping aside the interpersonal, social & emotional factors for which we need to be able to have interpersonal relationships, we first need to have friends "just to feel human".
Can we have genuine friends?
Yes! We can! To be able to have" REAL" Friends, one should be able to follow some principles and have a set of specific skill sets.
Principles:
This is where I would again like to emphasise on the aspect of expectations, about which I've written earlier as well. One of the principles that one can follow and have a great friends is to not have big expectations and depend on people. This also means that you're not relying on specific outcomes of every transaction but rather appreciating the presence of the individual irrespective of the outcome of the transaction. The golden keyword here is being unconditional.
When you learn to be unconditional, your relationships are also 100 per cent genuine! This is when people, even though in the initial stages might go away from you as your friendship may not be beneficial, later realise your value and come back to you. As in today's world having a person genuine in your life is priceless and to be honest... This is my secret of how I've managed to build a wonderful network of genuine friends who treat me no less than family.
My final word
Dearest readers, I've always used this quote to describe our lives today. "Humans were made to be loved and things were made to be used...But ironically humans are being used and things are being loved!" We seldom realise this, but when we do, it generally is too late... If we all just be that person who is the genuine strength, support, shoulder to cry on and vent out our feelings to...Not only do we prove we're there for our friends in need, but will also lead an example to the future generations to come that we can be genuine indeed!
With Regards, Adarsh Basavaraj "The Coach"
Does friendship really matter in life? Because till now I have not got true friends who can understand me and my emotions..... Please help.
Someone to Lean on
My ex-girlfriend got married a few days ago and I miss her every time I speak to her. Even she feels the same. I don't know what to do. The Ex Factor
I've seen many similar cases. My first question to you is, why did you allow her to get married to someone else? It's clear that due to some factors you both couldn't plan a future together. Now that she's married... I really feel that you should advise her to focus on her husband and slowly bring down the frequency of calls. You can still meet her once in a while, as a friend only. You also need to focus on searching for a partner for yourself. Would you allow your future wife to still miss her boyfriend when you're around? You wouldn't right? There are some cases where people are so attached that they're just not able to move on. Then the only thing that works is for you both to be emotionally connected only to a level where she isn't foregoing her responsibilities as a wife.
How can I be more focused on my exams?
Wandering Mind
The only advice I can and want to give you is to pull up your socks, forget everything, starting from your mobile phone, and focus on studies. The first basic step is to sit and make a note of all your distractions and be aware of how to tackle them. For example, if you're addicted to using your phone while doing something important, start making a habit of not looking at your phone for say ten minutes to start with. I use this example as mobile phones are one of the biggest distractions nowadays. Next important aspect is how much rest you're giving before or during your task. If you're losing focus while doing a task, and not able to sustain your concentration levels, you need to take rest, freshen up and then get back to it and Rock It!
I am unable to decide my future. Though I have many future plans and big dreams, I am scared and confused. Please Help Future Fright
Calm down! Take a deep breath and relax! All of us have been through this phase. But also understand that nothing is easy in life. If you want to achieve something, you need to struggle and keep pushing till your business or goal gains enough momentum to generate profits. Having Big Dreams is never wrong. But you need to choose one future plan that is workable and feasible. I've written time and again in my column, you need to have hope. It is the fuel that helps our vehicle to reach the destination. If you succeed great! If you don't... It's fate!
A mutual friend that I and my girlfriend have, likes her, but my girlfriend denies it. Somehow I am sure of this and whenever I talk to this guy, I get jealous and struggle to control myself. Please suggest what I should do. Othello's Son
There are three aspects here. One being that of trust, two being that of your behavior and third being that of fate. The trust part is where you need to understand how much you can trust her, and how genuinely committed she is to the relationship. If she's just casually talking to him now and then, it's ok, but if she's talking to him for more than an hour a day, you're in trouble. Secondly, in my experience, guys and girls tend to strike a friendship with others, get closer day by day and then later maybe get committed to them. It may be emotional, physical or intellectual. So you need to sit, introspect and understand where you're doing wrong. The last part is fate. If you're doing your best and still if you feel she's straying, or talking to other guys, you need to move on buddy.
What should I do if my parents are not supportive?
Support Starved
It's a pretty tricky situation but also workable. This is where you need to learn to balance both, your interests and also your parents' interests. For example, say your parents want you to do engineering and you're interested in music. Somehow manage to study and also in parallel pursue your interests. Join a course during weekends and pursue your interests. Your parents will also be happy that you listened to them. And you'll also be happy that you also did what you like. Later, depending on where you are able to earn well... Take that up full time. Simple.
My friend is going through too much stress. In office, he is entrusted with more work than he can bear. This makes him totally unstable. Can the Coach tell me a solution to reduce his stress levels? On the Edge
I completely understand what you're friend is going through. This is due to a highly competitive world that we're living in today. The first practical advice I can suggest is for your friend to have a open discussion with his reporting managers, put across his problems and ask for help. Secondly, he can also try to find better opportunities in other places. Thirdly, I suggest that he also does some serious career planning and take up some certifications required to help him get better opportunities at a more senior level. But to help him immediately, I suggest that he get into some sort of a physical activity, or practice some simple breathing techniques of yoga to help him manage stress.
I had an arranged marriage and my husband is living abroad. Earlier, it was really nice but now he criticises me for every small thing and argues a lot and at the end of it all he asks what my problem is. Please help. Long Distance Woes
This is one of the reasons we always say long distance relationships are a little complicated. I'm not trying to imply that you're in trouble, but trying to make you understand that he is subconsciously missing you and being with you, because of which he's showing his frustration on you this way. This generally happens in all relationships. I would honestly suggest you to plan and live with your husband as soon as possible. But in case that's not possible, put up with him but be sure to tell him that you love him. This might make him more aware that he's venting out his frustration in a negative way. Another tip...try to have Skype Chats if possible, it'll definitely minimise the damage.
Some of my classmates tease a girl in my class on a Whatsapp group. What should I do?
Heart of Gold
I must first tell you, that you're an extremely wonderful soul and that your friend is lucky to have you. Let me first make you understand why the boys are teasing your friend. It might mainly because of the way she reacts. You need to understand that we all get a kick out a person who reacts when we irritate them. The boys want to have more fun. First ask her to ignore the replies or comments of the boys and only chat when required. Please tell her that "Ignorance is Bliss". Once this happens the boys will automatically give up after some time, since she's not responding. On your part, rather than trying to support her in the group and bring the heat onto yourself where you'll be targeted next, sit with your friend and make her understand that it's ok. It's a part of growing up. Keep her strong. This should work.