Coach calling

These were the pick of the queries received via WhatsApp and answered by life coach Adarsh Basavaraj. Keep them coming!

Published: 23rd January 2017 06:00 AM  |   Last Updated: 22nd January 2017 01:14 PM   |  A+A-

Express News Service

I’m doing my UG in Agriculture. I’ve got a lot to prepare for my PG entrance. But unfortunately, my best friend got committed with my brother last month. Now he doesn’t bother about me. I’m disturbed and can’t concentrate on studies. Please give me suggestions to improve my concentration and avoid them.

Possessive sister 

The fi rst thing that you need to understand is that your brother is in a RELATIONSHIP. A NEW ONE. This is the phase in which they are getting to understand each other even better. They would want to dedicate enough time to each other to make the relationship strong, understand each other better, their likes and dislikes. When couples enter into this phase, they forget everyone else for some time and then slowly once the TRUST is formed CONCRETELY, they tend to get back to socialising with others. Be it family or friends. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t LOVE YOU any less.

You’re feeling betrayed by your close friend subconsciously as you never expected her to come in between and create a gap between you and your brother. It’s OK, at least be happy that your close friend who you know well might become a part of the family.

Also, you’re possessive about your brother. You need to sit with your brother, calmly tell him that you miss him and are feeling disconnected. . Also since she was your close friend, ask both of them to hang out with you once in a while. But ensure that you’re not too pushy about it and are making them uncomfortable. If it works out great. If it doesn’t, don’t worry. Things will work out. Be happy for them and focus on your studies. 

Why are some people poor and some rich? If you say it depends on deeds done in the previous birth, then what sin has a person who has taken his fi rst birth done?

Money matters 

Just because a person is born rich or into a rich family doesn’t necessarily mean that they have done GOOD DEEDS and not committed sins in their previous birth. In a majority of cases, being born RICH itself is the worst possible punishment. You may not believe me, but trust me when I say this.

I have seen people who are not RICH be the most satisfi ed and happy as they learn to be content with what they have. This also enables them to be stress free as they don’t desire to have everything that they see or become MATERIALISTIC in life.

They learn to cope and be content in different ways. Another point I’d like to make here is that, I have seen many people who are/ were in poverty be the most helpful, genuine and clean hearted as they know how tough life is and often try to help others in need. I don’t see many of this characters in people born with excessive wealth. They tend to become MATERIALISTIC and often don’t value relationships. When this happens, they seldom have GENUINE people around them...rather, they are surrounded with people who are only aiming for some sort of GAIN.

When they realise this, they become very lonely and depressed. Even if you look at it spiritually, it’s strongly possible that GOD makes people RICH in order to make them experience, understand and realise the importance and value of GENUINE RELATIONSHIPS. People may not be open about their lives with you, but always remember everyone has a equal share of challenges and depends on how each individual tackles it. Like I’ve given a quote in my last column, remember “The grass always looks greener on the other side. What we don’t realise is, it’s the same sentiments from both the side.” 

 

1) Many people tell me that I’m still childish. How do I act mature?
2) My friends always tease me which is really annoying. I’ve told them that it hurts me, but they
still keep doing it.
3) I’m always scared of doing things. I don’t have self-confi dence.

No confidence

The root cause of all the challenges that you’re facing is with the BEING TEASED part. The reason why people are calling you immature might be because of the way you are reacting to people when they are teasing you. Another possibility might be a situation wherein some character of yours is actually making people around you to perceive that you’re too kiddish, this is making them pick on you all the time. In a majority of cases it is the sensitivity of the person which makes them the target. Since they have gotten used to teasing you, they are not taking you seriously even when you’re expressing to them how hurt you’re feeling.

This constant behaviour of your friends and other people around you has made you take a DENT on your self confi dence. The reason why you’re feeling scared even before doing anything is because you have already linked it to the experience of getting teased subconsciously. The more that you react, reason with, try to convince or confront the people who are teasing you. You have to follow a mix of IGNORANCE IS BLISS and ASSERTIVE behaviour. Take this up as a challenge and work towards some sort of an accomplishment with dedication and focus.

Once you achieve, then we’ll see who teases whom. You’ll become a ROLE MODEL while they realise how they have wasted their time. Finally, remember one thing. You’re LIVING FOR YOURSELF, not for anyone else.

As long as you’re focused on achieving, whatever the whole world around you says shouldn’t matter. You’ll eventually meet people who LOVE YOU for what you are. The others really don’t matter. 

I’m preparing for civil service exam, but I am very disturbed because of my brother. We came to know that he has taken huge loans from many friends to bet on horses and my father had paid them all just fearing they might do something. I have tried talking to my brother about gambling and his late night lifestyle and dad’s anger disturbing the peace at home and my studies. How to deal with someone addicted to gambling?

Gambling worries 

You might require the help of a Mental Healthcare professional or in some extreme circumstances, rehabilitation to make your brother give up this habit.

Research has shown that it is often other causes like UNCONTROLLABLE COMPULSIVE or IMPULSIVE behaviour, bipolar disorder or in some cases malfunctioning of the brain which leads to this challenge.

You need to somehow ensure that you disconnect him from all the things that is connected to gambling and tell his friends not to lend him money. In case you’re fi nding the above hard. There isn’t any other choice but to put him into a Rehabilitation Centre and hope for the best. Please also ensure to make him understand the consequences of what this addiction might lead to. I strongly feel that he needs professional help as the degree of the INSENSITIVITY that he’s exhibiting shows that he has already DISCONNECTED himself from people and reality in whole. 

 

Choosing between the heart and mind

How to move on when the heart says hold on?

Troubled Me

Dear Readers, The fi rst picture that popped up into my mind when I read this query, was that of a cartoon in which there was an angel on one side and the devil on another while the person in question is struggling to take a decision. The fi rst aspect that we need to understand is that, even though we take two types of decisions —LOGICAL and EMOTIONAL, in a majority of cases, it is proven that even our so called LOGICAL DECISIONS still had a touch of emotions to it.

We generally feel compelled to take LOGICAL DECISIONS when it concerns materialistic objects as we NATURALLY outweigh EMOTIONS with UTILITY.

But, we end up diving into a dilemma when we take the approach of trying to take EMOTIONAL DECISIONS with matters concerning our SELF or OTHERS. The IRONY here is we feel that IT’S LOGICAL to BECOME EMOTIONAL as we’re dealing with emotional beings. But, the logic soon turns out tragic as we tend to ultimately SURRENDER to our NEEDS rather than PRIORITIES. . Another drawback about reaching this phase is the DAMAGE to our self confi dence.

As we slowly start to feel incapable of taking decisions, we try harder to arrive at a conclusion which is like expecting to reach a particular destination while running on a treadmill.

The harder we push, the more we realise that we’re stuck. Rather than objectively analysing WHY. We, further give into our emotions and start the process of damaging our whole personality, not to mention the complete loss of productivity which is happening in parallel. By the time we realise and fi gure out all that’s happening around us, REALITY would’ve already BITTEN US. BAD!

Why do we arrive at this dilemma?

Well, it’s pretty simple. We’re just THROWING A TANTRUM ourselves and nothing else. We tend to go into a CHILD-LIKE mode in which we just don’t want to consider the aspects of reality, but rather try to hope to REVERSE or UNWIND what has happened and in turn create FALSE HOPES.

The more we embrace this phase of DENIAL, the more we make it a habit.

Once we make it a habit, we get comfortable with it. Once we’re comfortable with a habit, we make it a part of our daily routine and in some cases our personality itself.

What do I do? Do I follow the mind or the heart?

I always advice and advocate people to FOLLOW THEIR HEARTS. But ONLY when their MIND IS IN BALANCE. In this phase, ladies and gentlemen... Your mind defi nitely isn’t. Hence the fi rst step is to do what it takes to relax yourself. The fi rst step you need to is to ensure that you’re not ALONE.

Meet and be surrounded with people WHO REALLY MATTER to you. Once you start socialising and get distracted from this dilemma, you’ll also feel secure.

It is not necessary that you discuss this challenge with these people, but depends on what relationship you share with them. The fi rst objective is to beat loneliness, if you trust these people enough to even seek advice... That’s a bonus. Once you feel a little better and calmer, think of other ways that will help you to relax. Focus on what relaxes you and not your dilemma, yet. Maybe a massage, a spa treatment, playing a game, dancing etc... Whatever works for you. Why I stress upon this point? It’s because, Only when we relax ourselves is when we can think clearly, only when we can think clearly is when we can prioritise and also assign priorities to aspects that require our immediate attention. Once we’re able to do all this, is when we’re not disconnected from REALITY. Finally when we’re not disconnected from reality is when ACCEPTING IT becomes easier.

When we ACCEPT REALITY is when we’re able to make our HEARTS understand that there’s point in HOLDING ON, but we’d be better off MOVING ON.

Finally, When we reach this phase...ready to move on, is when we’ll be able to think of its benefi ts and be a b l e to actually do it.

My final word

We’ve often heard, not to MIX BUSINESS WITH PLEASURE meaning... not to mix Logic & Emotions. Here’s what I would like to say... make YOUR PLEASURE as YOUR PRIMARY BUSINESS. if you don’t keep yourself HAPPY fi rst...NOBODY CAN, NOBODY WILL! With

Regards,

Adarsh Benakappa Basavaraj

The Coach 

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