Courage is the forever cool
Cambridge Dictionary defines courage as the ability to control fear and deal with something that’s dangerous, difficult or unpleasant. Unless we’re in the security forces or out on the roads of Dhaka currently, few of us have to deal with danger in our everyday lives. But no one doesn’t have to manage unpleasant situations now and then.
For instance, your boss may have asked you to give them some “honest and critical” feedback on their working style. You’d like to be honest but you fear they can’t handle criticism. You’re also required to inform your team members that you’ve decided to give a project they were working on—very enthusiastically—to some other department. At home, you have to tell your spouse that you can’t go on a holiday they’ve been looking forward to for months.
These are not life-threatening situations. But they are uncomfortable ones, as they involve the sensibilities and sensitivities of people you care about. Disappointing or displeasing people is never easy, especially when those people are important to you.
It’s at times and situations like these that anxiety creeps in: you start getting tense about upsetting your boss; disappointing your team; and facing your angry spouse. Before you know it, your mind starts spiralling and you start imagining terrible scenarios that leave you fearful. You may even find yourself having a panic attack.
How do you manage the situation? How do you control your anxiety and your fears of what might be? It’s no point telling yourself not to worry; that’s as futile as advising an F1 driver to be careful on the race track. What you need here is a strategy to overcome your fears. Remember, courage is the mastery of fear; not the absence of it. Only idiots are not scared of anything.
Start by acknowledging what you’re worried about. Recognising and accepting your fears is the first step to overcoming them. Do you fear that your boss will sack you if you tell him some unpalatable truths? Are you worried that your team will resent you for taking away their pet project? How angry will your spouse be when they hear about their ruined holiday? Answering these questions will reveal your biggest fears.
Next, ask yourself what’s the worst that can happen in each case, and whether can you deal with it. What happens if you get sacked? Will you be out on the road? What if your team hates you? What if your spouse refuses to talk to you? Can you live with your guilt? Learning more about your anxieties can help demystify them and make them manageable.
Finally, go out and have the tough conversations. Practise what you’re going to say in advance, and be lucid. Welcome questions and present your points amiably, not defensively. You’ll probably discover that your boss is not angry at all; he was worried about the same issues that you raised. Your team is disappointed but no one is mad at you. Yes, your spouse is livid but you’re willing to mollify them with whatever it takes, however long it takes.
All in all, you’re relieved and the future looks much brighter than it did before your conversations. The gurus were right when they said inaction breeds doubt and fear; action breeds confidence and courage.
Shampa Dhar-Kamath
Delhi-based writer, editor and communication coach
shampadhar@gmail.com