Have you heard? Designer babies have finally arrived in India! Coming soon to a delivery ward near you are ‘uttam santatis’— superior, customised children. I will pause to allow your uteruses to contract with joy. By delving into the epics and taking a leaf out of Germany’s book, some doctors have discovered that genetics can be sidestepped with the help of planetary positions to create a customised baby.
So, what are the hallmarks of such progeny? Tall, light-skinned, superior intellect and …sorry, sorry. Hold up, right there. Tall? Light skinned? High IQ? Who said those were the hallmarks of an ideal child? Have these people even had children, or even one child?
Listen dear doctors, and please take notes. The ideal child will sleep through the night from day one. Esoteric Innuit potty-training rituals as espoused by celebrity moms will work on such children, and your dd WILL equate three sharp penguin squawks to doing number two in the toilet.
A truly perfect child is one who does not mutilate your breasts in the name of lunch, have an exploding poop situation all over your pristine white saree minutes before you are about to leave for your best friend’s engagement, and routinely begs for second helpings of asparagus puree.
An ideal child will not want to wear pyjamas to school, and will not squeal “Look! Baby A is showing his middle finger at me. Doesn’t he know what it means?” No, he doesn’t. But now, baby A’s parents know you know what it means precious 6-year-old of mine. Well done.
An uttam santiti will sleep when told to, wake up early on school days and sleep in on weekends. They will not pick the lock on your bedroom door and walk in while you’re contemplating the roll of fat under the first roll of abdominal fat in the mirror, or ask why where the rest of the underwear went while brandishing a thong in your face.
Ideal children will remember not to come in crying that their paper isn’t white enough, right in the middle of a Skype meeting. They will not want you to read Goodnight Moon on loop every night between the ages of two and five years. They will not be thirsty, need to pee, be hungry or scared right after you have read the book 200 times.
Dear friends who have our nation’s best interests at heart, THESE are the qualities of an ideal child. And while you’re tweaking your action plan, you might wish to relook at some of the other aspects that go into it. Like asking people to abstain from sex post conceiving. Might not get you too many takers. (Unless parents can take matters into their own hands.)
Around 450 babies are claimed to be already dazzling the world with their perfectness. Mommies and daddies of said bundles of joy, your children are a joy because they are children. They are perfect because they are yet to be tainted by the utter idiocy of humans.
And no matter how fair, tall and smart your baby is or is promising to be, when they wake up at 1 am and display their lung power and demand to be fed, burped, walked and sung to, you will most certainly question the logic of having had a child at all!
(The writer’s parenting philosophy is: if there’s no blood, don’t call me)