I have been reading a lot about how the mommy track and the c-suite track run along in parallel unless divine intervention, an all-in spouse and exemplar house help are at hand to divert them into meeting. Well, what if you could use your parenting skills to get ahead at work to move up the
career path?
Ignore
Are your targets at work causing you unhappiness? Is that excel sheet with your name on it giving you sleepless nights? When I am faced with such unpleasant things I resort to a tactic I use with my kids: I ignore it. Whining, screaming, fighting, built up ear wax, uncut toe nails — I refuse to acknowledge these things on a daily basis. And eventually it no longer bothers me. What row of pesky metrics?
Smelling the shit
Moms are great at smelling out the first hint of crap. In fact, we know shit is coming even before it hits the diaper JUST from facial expressions. The next time someone is spouting some serious bull shit, use these magical powers and call them out just as you would your child. Keep wet wipes handy.
Middling through meetings
We can all agree that sometimes the things children find awesome are just plain stupid. Case in point: Pokemon. Listening to my sons reel off Pokemon names, their EX powers and corresponding poke grunts while trying to look like I give a Rattata’s ass, is a skill I have honed to perfection. When in reality I am thinking about Wolverine and all the things he could do with those long fingers of his. This is a great tactic to keep yourself from dying of boredom at long meetings.
She’s got The look
So any human born between 1980-1990 has had the misfortune of walking the ramp at an inter school or collegiate fest to this Roxette song with a look of some kind on their face. After children that expression morphs into the ‘mommy stare’. The x-ray stare and single raised eyebrow that can quell even the most querulous child, stomp on the most rampant tantrum, and shut up even the most stupid of colleagues. Practice daily before leaving for office.
Slipping in the spinach
So you know how you’re always trying to slip in healthy shit in your kids food in ways they won’t find out? Zucchini in chocolate cake? Spinach in their frozen berry smoothie? Quinoa in muffins? Use this technique to slip in news and information you don’t directly want to communicate to colleagues. Like “I am taking off for a month to discover myself at a Wolverine fan park” can be said as “I feel the need to re-evaluate my core attributes and how they can be improved for the overall benefit of the organisation. I have found a wonderful executive course to attend to do just this.”
Now while I can’t guarantee you’ll all be getting promotions immediately when you try these out at office, remember, hang in there. It’s hard, it’s horrible and sometimes you really wish you could stay in bed, but it will get better. At least that’s what I tell myself. Till then, we’ll always have Wolverine’s long fingers to fall on.
(The writer’s parenting philosophy is: if there’s no blood, don’t call me)