CHENNAI : Welcome to Day 183744 in quarantine. You’ve reached the Should I Cut Bangs Crisis Helpline, my name is Saumya. If you have already cut bangs or halfway cut bangs, now regret it and require emergency assistance: please hang up and call the police. If you are about to cut bangs at home or ask your roommate to do the same after a few bottles of wine, please put down your scissors and stay on the line. We will address your crisis shortly. We are experiencing higher-thannormal call volume due to everyone being locked in their homes and appreciate your patience. Thank you.
As comfy couture reigns our lives, mind-numbing boredom or lack of control can safely be blamed for the latest beauty trend: people are giving in to their impulses and cutting their own bangs. The #pandemicbangs viral trend on TikTok has claimed its fair share of botched fringe victims. I’ve seen people on the Internet flirting with cutting bangs for themselves. Is it cabin fever? Coping? A mad need to control some aspect of your life when everything else feels like its spiralling out of control?
If you have enough experience cutting your own hair pre-pandemic, courtesy My Little Ponies and Barbie Dolls which look like they have been through hell and back: then congratulations! You clearly don’t need me. For the rest of you, let me be your enabler.
Think of me as that aunt who swans about her mansion in high heels and a satin robe with her ex-husbands ring on a chain around her neck, an unlit cigarette listening to the jazz on a record plater. This aunt has made a few questionable decisions herself is ever supportive, gives air kisses and says “Oh darling, I think that is a fabulous idea!” So you take the lead, endlessly analysing whether you should use clippers or kitchen scissors, for reasons you don’t fully understand.
Now, you know it’s too late and you’re in too deep, so you’ll end up with a Matilda-like chomper you never really wanted in the first place. If the siren call of a new hairdo is too strong to ignore, I just need to make sure you know this: cut longer than you think you need. Always, always, always cut dry hair. Unless you’re going for that chic, drunken mistake uneven bang look. Use a light hand and save complex layering for your post-pandemic salon visit.
The most important thing is to have a game plan. Some things you can wing, like your eyeliner and a dodgy-looking recipe for dinner; let this not be one of them. Keep your tools ready and practice on your mum when she’s asleep, ideally. You’ll come to realise that human hair is a little different than what Barbie has springing off her head. The good news is that it’s a great time to grow it out! Even if you have video meetings for work, the blurry camera and small size should hide most of the awkward growing out stage. And as I always say whenever I get a bad haircut: hair grows back! Trust that you’ll be giving your hair stylist lots of business when this tides over.