CHENNAI : Men! Can’t live with them, can’t live without them. The real question here is, how do you know that you’re not just leaving them confused mid-drool, wondering what went wrong with your face; purple lips and sparkly eyes et al. Since rendering men’s eyeballs blue is probably the most offensive thing you can do as a woman, here’s a mini edition to make sure that your make-up, skin and hair are never at fault for his waning interest in you!
Here’s the intel: men don’t like it when you shine brighter than their egos and are too hindered by their own fragile masculinity to indulge in something as cosmetically frivolous as glitter. So you see how this is a rather vexing problem for them, yes? They just want to feel in control, silly men.
On another note, most will never admit to this, but men are afraid of lip gloss. It’s a primal thing, like elephants and mice or cats and water. If only they would learn that a gooey strawberry-flavoured glaze is a good look, they would be better prepared to overcome this irrational fear. But alas! To be a man is to succumb to the delicate fragility of silicon polyamides.
Ladies, let’s get real about our concealer/foundation situation. A radiant and bright complexion is the first sign of health and youthful vitality — the two things men slowly sap from you, like a succubus who feeds exclusively on your reserves of hope and patience. How are men supposed to know if your perfect skin comes from make-up, and how will they find out which of us have already been tapped out by men before them and no longer have any remaining patience for their rubbish? It’s all very confusing.
Men are also big fans of a Baywatch-inspired hair flip, perfectly coiffed hairstyles that have no concept of prep, styling and invisible product that goes into the hair toss. They are blind to the architecture that is right in front of their eyes. Just like The Matrix. Which brings us to the fact that men like The Matrix. In fact, they won’t shut up about The Matrix even though it has aged quite terribly since 2001. So do they want perfect hair or a fantasy dimension? They cannot have both.
In other things that absolutely must be sacrificed — smokey eyes and overdone lashes. I mean, eyes are the windows to your soul, right? So how is he supposed to wife you up if your soul shutters are laced with black tar? Perhaps men don’t like this because it makes your sadness from their disappointing behaviour more evident, tracing black tears down your cheeks. Well, he should have thought about that before making you cry.
I will leave you with this: men love doing things to women’s mouths, so do anything that draws attention to it! Not gloss though, obviously. Painting your mouth a bold shade reminds them that your mouth can do other things too — like tell them to scurry away and leave you the hell alone.