BENGALURU: Among the four horsemen that American psychological researcher John Gottman describes as signs of impending separation among people in relationships, he puts special emphasis on contempt. The other three are criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling, all of which lead to breakdown of communication and make life difficult for the people in the relationship, but contempt deserves a special space.
In fact, Gottman said with some confidence based on the research in their marriage labs, that contempt by itself is a clear indication that the couple was headed to a breaking point within the year or so.In love, there needs to be no space for contempt, and yet we find it all the time between people who otherwise claim to love each other.
Feeling contempt is the antithesis of feeling respect, and anyone experiencing any kind of contempt will likely immediately feel disrespected and once you feel the disrespect, it is hard to feel that open space within which to engage. Sadly though, contempt is par for the course for a number of relationships, especially where there is very specific gender roles or socially sanctioned restrictions.
Recently, with the #MeToo movement and so much more, quite a few public figures have been talking even in public spaces and social media about their biases and prejudices. Some personalities who had enjoyed fairly high regard for the roles they have played in public programmes, when they talk now with a lot of biases against one set of people, it is difficult to separate what is bias and what is contempt. In social media, outraged citizens have been talking about this and speculating how it must be for people in more intimate relationships with such people when the general public themselves feel so disrespected and held in such deep contempt that they are so angry and upset.
Thing is, contempt in intimate relationships is not a general sense of disrespect based on an overall social sense of morals or ethics. It is entirely possible that all the people in the relationship share the same bias or prejudice, and they may not feel any disrespect at all -- in such a situation, they might actually feel disrespected if they are pushed to embrace a different way of life.
Imagine a household where one person talks about another person not going out to work and earn money. That by itself may not be an issue, if the other person also believes that is how relationships work. The challenge comes with the tone, the demeanour and everything else -- if there is disdain and derision, unending sarcasm and depersonalising, then the contempt is undeniable and even where values match, the contempt comes through and is experienced deeply and personally. Contempt comes from a vile and judgmental place where one’s worth has been judged unilaterally and there is no real space for discussion or negotiation. There is very little to do when faced by a person who is looking down their nose at you than get very angry or just disconnect.Most times, we meet contempt with disconnection.
The writer is a counsellor with InnerSight