BENGALURU: If you are living with the people in your relationship, just notice over the next few days, how many times you ask everyday questions like, “Where are you going?” or, “What are you doing?” or, “What are you watching?” Basic, everyday questions where the object of the inquiry is about some basic, everyday function that anyone would notice happening if they just observed and waited for a minute or two. If observing yourself is tough, then observe how often you are asked such questions.
It might feel like living with a two-year-old child. They ask a lot of questions about every single thing that would otherwise feel quite inane. With a kid, we might indulge them a lot, but with adults, we might bristle against it and want to say things like, “What is it with you! Do I have to mark attendance with you every time I even go to get a drink of water? Is this like at school where I have to ask Teacher for permission for every single thing?”
Certainly, if there are too many questions like this, someone is going to get annoyed and that annoyance will make itself heard soon enough. On the other hand, if there are no such questions at all, do you feel relieved and content, or would you feel there is too much silence? Are relationships better when the questions are relevant and specific, or when they just come up every now and then for the most ordinary things in the world?
The real answer is that these questions are not truly questions that require a factual answer at all, but are actually calls to connect with each other. These questions are our way of being around each other, expressing interest and seeking engagement. Try this: Imagine a loved one is busy with a newspaper and you ask, “What are you reading in the newspaper?” The person might say something horrible like, “If you read the news instead of just watching TV, you might know.” or just ignore the question, or just grunt a sarcastic, “The news!” or, “The sports section,” or say something like, “An article on what it took for our Olympic gold medalist to get there,” or even, “Here, let me read out to you. You would be interested in this as well.”
See the difference?
When we put it out like this, it seems obvious that the question may not really require a fact as an answer, but it is a call to connect, to see if there is a moment where a little “We” time can be experienced. The more you engage with the person, the closer you would feel with each other. Of course, you might want just “Me” time and ignore it for the moment or ask if you can just read for a bit by yourself, and that’s OK, but if you reply with sarcasm or bite off their head, these calls for connections will stop and relationships wither away.