A dear friend of mine went through a separation after several decades of marriage. I couldn’t say it was all rosy and perfect between them. However, it came as a complete shocker to her because she had quit her plush job to support his endeavours and take care of her children. She told me she had always thought once the children left home for higher studies and professional reasons, they would always make up for lost time and that sacrifices were very much a part of life until then. When he broke out the news, she said, she was devastated on so many levels.
Apart from the emotional upheaval, she also had to consider the financial, social as well as legal aspects of the separation. “We had built, over the years, a system to fall back on. We have common friends; we have savings together and own properties. Now everything needs to be torn apart. I do not know how to handle this,” she said. Another acquaintance of mine who faced a similar situation opined that if the man wanted to leave, then let them wait for years and leave them when they are not in their prime.
“They want our best years invested on them and when they feel they no longer need us in their homes, they opt out,” she remarked. Grey separations or grey divorces are becoming comm on place among those in their late 50s and early sixties urban middle class, says a study. Until last decade, split-ups among elderly adults was not heard of. We would read about such incidents between celebrity couples. We have discussed among friends about much controversial ones such as Arnold Schwarzenegger - Maria Shriver split or the latest one to go viral - Bill and Melinda Gates. Let’s face some facts.
Divorces are abhorred among conservative populace in India. Women divorcees have to face many raised eyebrows. “Suddenly, people are talking about you, discussing your marriage behind your back. One of my own friends was not very comfortable with her husband interacting with me. I was undergoing menopause! I can only imagine what young divorcees go through,” an elderly divorcee who decided to
openly speak about her experience told me. The children of dysfunctional couples, however, seem much supportive. “I always wanted my mother to walk out.
I liked my parents individually but not as a couple. They are miserable together, staying under one roof because of us children,” daughter of one of these couples told me. One cannot predict the course of a relationship. A woman past her prime who is very much dependent on her ecosystem, who has given all of her energy to her family believing that it will always be around does feel traumatized when faced with the very prospect of separation. A lawyer who has handled a couple of grey d i - vorces tells me how several women picked themselves up g racefully and have been doing well. “They realised they could make decisions all by themselves, ” she says.