You can’t always get what you want but if you try some time, you just might find you get what you need,’ sang the Rolling Stones. The reality is somewhat different. We may or may not always get what we expect from life and its players, but we certainly get what we accept. Consider the colleague who’s always complaining about being overworked and spending too much time in the office. And yet, whenever asked, he agrees to take on the extra work that no one else wants to do. It’s almost as if he’s saying: “My time has no value. Do with it what you please.” Or think of the new recruit at work. She has great educational qualifications and work experience but hasn’t yet found her feet at the office. As a result, she gets talked over in meetings, has her suggestions dismissed out of hand, and gets relegated to performing mindless data entry tasks. Since she doesn’t protest, that treatment is likely to continue.
The same principle applies to relationships. We may expect a partner who is attentive, thoughtful, plans exciting holidays and plies us with gifts. But if we consistently tolerate gaslighting, dismissive behaviour and lukewarm affection, we are, in essence, accepting that as the relational baseline.
Money is another fertile ground for this phenomenon. We may keep expecting a hefty raise or a promising new job that comes with a great salary. But if we consistently accept stagnant wages, shrug off financial anxieties and never actively seek opportunities for growth, life will just maintain the status quo.
There are multiple reasons why we accept less than we are worth. Some of us are scared of conflict or rejection; others have low self-esteem or unclear goals. A lot of the behaviour can also be attributed to cultural or familial conditioning (years of hearing “be grateful,” “don’t complain” or “This is just how it is”). Ironically, we spend so much time fretting over how unfair things are, we ignore our role in co-creating those circumstances. Worst of all, most of us are not even conscious that we’ve lowered our standards or resigned ourselves to mediocrity.
The good news is that the script isn’t fixed. People can rewrite their life.
• Start by recognising the cost—in peace, respect, growth—you’ve paid for settling for less than you want.
• Define your new non-negotiables—at work and home. Ask yourself, “If I weren’t afraid, what would I ask for or expect here?” Align your actions to support those expectations.
• Say ‘No’ when you don’t want to do something. You don’t have to please anyone. Specify what you want instead of silently suffering when loaded with things you don’t want.
• Stop waiting for permission to act. Ask, negotiate or leave.
• Finally, spend time with people who model self-respect and high standards. Influence matters; habits rub of
Your life won’t change overnight, of course. It takes time to switch direction. But a mindset shift can happen quickly. And that’s at the heart of defining your personal boundary and self-worth. Remember, each time you act in line with your expectations, it gets easier. PS: Think all this is too much to do? Start with a small step. Write down one thing you currently accept that you know you shouldn’t. List the action—however small—that can change it. Now, act on that.