Scene: Police station in an unnamed town in India. Folks who wish to get its name have to file an RTI and wait for 50 years. The phone rings. The constable on duty wakes up, yawns.
Constable: Kaun hai be?
Voice at the other end: Show some respect, you moron. This is the SSSP, Senior Special Servile Commissioner of Police. SHO kahan hai?
Constable: (ruffled) Janaab, the SHO is sleeping… I mean, peeping
Voice: Peeping at what?
Constable: Anti-nationals in the lockup.
SSSP: Shabaash, you have arrested anti-nationals?
(SHO arrives shoving constable): Janaab, we arrest everything in sight, people or animals. We just picked up a bull for being antinational.
Voice: A bull?
SHO: It attacked a cow, which is our mother. It was an offense against our ancient Amul culture which is utterly motherly. We’ve arrested the farmer too under UAPA.
SSSP: Why the farmer? If he goes to jail, he won’t get benefit of the direct cash transfer scheme which means one less vote.
SHO: He owns both the bull and the cow. We arrested him for not stopping the bull but gave him bail because he feeds and protects the cow.
SSSP: No comedians arrested?
SHO: Yes, one who dissed the PWD. He said PWD should be PWC, because Indian men don’t pee in WCs, but everywhere around it. We’ve lodged another FIR against him for insulting himself. He said he needs a nonsense of humour to live in India.
SSSP: Who filed the complaint?
SHO: A famous unknown local lawyer who got Baba Black Sheep acquitted of the crime of running away from the police dressed in a sari. He was selling Shradhanjali products without quality checks. The vakil is also the head of the Deshbhakti Golibaaz Abhiyaan. Between us, the patriotism is a publicity stunt. He wants to be famous like Ram Jethmalani. He won a case in Allahabad High Court against anti-nationals protesting the name change of Aurangabad to Orange Nagar. We’ve also registered an FIR against Rahul Gandhi for insulting India abroad.
SSSP: Be original. Nobody gives a flying duck for him.
SHO: But Trump did tareef for India. Rahul said Trump is hurting our system, while we’re on track to becoming a $20,00,00,00,00,00,000 gazillion economy by close of last financial year.
Voice: (can be heard throwing things around) Tareef means praise, bewakoof! Trump has imposed tariffs, which makes him no friend of our Supreme Leader. The government is introducing a Prevention of Sense of Humour Bill in the next session. All of you will be given a daily FIR quota.
SHO: Can I arrest Arnab Goswami first? He is the best comedian I’ve ever seen on TV. The nation wants to know, but the nation wants No More. Voice: We’re asking all policemen to keep a watch on people making jokes. That includes you.
SHO: Everyone makes jokes in India, janaab. That’s more than 143 crore jokes a day of our GJP—Gross Joke Product. How else do we survive a 32 per cent yearly rise in potato prices which can make an onion cry.
Voice: Jokes are illegal. If we can summon the entire audience of a comedy show for insulting a politician, we can also launch ED raids on all 143 million Indians. It is our duty to save our country from itself.
SHO: Shall I start by arresting this column writer?
Voice: (sighing) You got to start somewhere. I’ve to polish the minister’s shoes before reading the new joke book on law and order.