BENGALURU: A new research paper published by scientists revealed that reading ‘Parenting’ increased serotonin levels in female baboons. Though the baboons couldn't actually read, scientists averred that the primates erupted into shrieks before tearing the newspaper to pieces and throwing it around like confetti. A clear sign of joy.
I love science, but at times, I am confused by the areas of research scientists choose to delve deeply into.
Take this headline: “Mums with bigger butts have smarter babies.” You can imagine my sheer joy on reading this. It lasted for all of five seconds till I got to the line “…having extra fat in this area allows a woman to store additional nutrients that can be passed to the baby through breastfeeding.” What? So my well endowed behind and thunder thighs are of no use to me unless I’m going to a costume party dressed as Sreedevi from the 80s? If I had known this when I was pregnant, I’d have nourished my derriere with ice cream and cheese melts and my kids might be smarter. On the plus side, when the boys don’t ace that Math Olympiad, I can always blame my butt.
Worried that your large behind is no longer of use to humanity? A new study has brought to light that playing Pokemon Go with your kids is a great way to bond and get exercise. I tried playing Pokemon Go with the kids but they just ignored me the whole time and I had to keep stopping them from walking into lamp posts. Don’t even have a kid yet? Planning perhaps? Scientists have some truly helpful research to share with you. Apparently having kids later in life will make you a better mom.
Older moms are less likely scold or physically punish children, who are more likely to have fewer social, emotional and behavioural problems. But before you decide to put your uterus on lock down, please remember that ‘babies born to women under 25 are nearly twice as likely to live to 100 as those born to older mothers’. Oh, another study says that women who have babies later in their lives earn more money over their lifetime. WHAT SHOULD WE DO SCIENCE? TELL US!
Seeing as how confusing all of this is, I am willing to donate my uterus to science and have a baby at this advanced maternal age of 36. This way I will circumvent the behavioural issues I experience with my first two, who will live to the age of 100 but be a pain in my large behind. Which by the way will ensure that Baby 3 is super smart. And then when it’s all done and dusted, we can play Pokemon Go together and I can shed the extra 20 pounds hanging on to my cheeks.
Well, now that thats sorted out, I’m off to start a new research piece myself. Will children raised by baboons who like reading Parenting, turn out to be smart or will they merely learn to fling their faeces at each other? Watch this space.