Dear Dr K,
Ever since I was a small child I have wanted to be a superhero, wearing a costume and saving citizens from crime and terror. Unfortunately, while there are guide books that teach you how to be successful or how to win friends, there seems to be no guide available for budding superheroes. Do you have any tips on how to be a superhero?
Orr Dineri
Dear Orr,
You are right: it is quite unfortunate that advice is hard to find for youngsters who want to take up the fine art of superheroing. Luckily you came to the right person with your question. With my prior experience of having been a superhero (for a few days) and having watched superhero movies (over many years), it makes sense for me to fill this void by writing a book on the subject. However, until I do so, let me provide you and other eager superheroes-to-be with a few tips for getting started.
1. Grave personal tragedy: the first step in any superhero’s journey is suffering some traumatic incident early in life that motivates the desire to become a crimefighter. True superheroes don’t just take up the cause on a whim; they are driven by powerful, disturbing memories that haunt them their whole lives. You will find that most superheroes have lost a parent or two (most often to crime), so if you’re an orphan, you’re halfway there. Having your home planet blown up can also add a great deal of trauma although I would advise you not to attempt said planet exploding yourself; that is more the domain of supervillains). Don’t feel limited by these examples, however: get creative and draw upon some unique personal tragedy, or make sure you have some such tragedy in the near future to kickstart your superhero career.
2. Get super powers: Anyone can be a regular hero: those guys come cheap and in plenty. What separates regular heroes from superheroes? Super powers, obviously. Powers, of course, are hard to come by, but there are some tried and tested methods for giving some to yourself. It generally involves being in the vicinity of some scientific experiment, and either having it go terribly awry or stepping into the experiment with unexpected consequences. Now you can’t just go jump into any scientific experiment. You aren’t going to get anything by stumbling into an experiment testing the effects of herbal tea on attentiveness, for example (except maybe herbal tea). You need to get close to the cutting edge of science. Today, radiation or even genetic engineering simply won’t make the grade as it did some years ago. Right now, the LHC is where it’s at. Try putting yourself in the path of some high-energy particle beam and see what happens. You will have to be prepared to face the risks, but the payoffs are huge. Will you gain the ability to teleport? Shoot superheated liquid out of your armpits? Only time will tell.
3. Be good: Once the first two steps are accomplished, this third one is the most important. There is a fine line between being a superhero and being a supervillain, and which side of that line you fall on depends on how you use your powers. If you find yourself going dizzy with power, wanting to control and dominate, and satisfy your every desire, you are heading into supervillain territory. Be warned.
Yours questionably,
Dr K
olfacto.boy@gmail.com