BANGALORE: As a first born child I have always carried the burden of having to be ‘exceptional.’ My parents don’t have those expectations from my siblings, and while it can be motivating most times, it can also be very discouraging. I remember being told that coming second or third wasn’t an option, wasn’t as good, that 70 per cent was average and I wasn’t doing enough. I was fed these ideas day in and day out until they became an integral part of my being. This integral part can now be called 'insecurity', the constant fear of not being good enough.
The first big loss in my life came in the form of a suspension letter, because I attempted to copy in an exam during my undergraduate years. I was suspended for a year and had to re-appear for all my exams. This appeared to be nothing less than the ‘end of the world’ to my mother.
The ensuing months weren’t easy, neither was the whispering in the college hallways every time I walked by. I was given a nickname in the administrative office: ‘Copy Case.’ But I got through it, sometimes holding my head high and sometimes by hiding in the last benches. Today it’s a funny story, and the episode taught me one thing. Sometimes you have to lose a year (maybe even more) to gain a perspective and a sense of humour.
The second big loss was when the ‘love of my life’ called off our two-year engagement over a text message that was addressed to my parents. Until then I believed 'love is enough.’ Today I know that sometimes it isn’t. Have I recovered from it? Maybe yes, or maybe I never will. I don’t know, each day the same question has a different answer. It still pains me to think about it.
Letting go of that relationship was perhaps one of the biggest challenges life has thrown at me. In the end though, I know in my heart that it was the best thing for both of us. Life has given me both victories and losses. The victories have lasted a couple of hours — a prize, a job, a certificate. The losses have lingered. They have contributed to the depth in character and taught me some very expensive lessons.
Life then perhaps is not about what we win, it could just be about how we deal with losses.
