BENGALURU: It’s time for democracy’s greatest sporting extravaganza held once in five years. I’m your host Rochana Mohan with my co-commentator Soumyadip Sinha, and we’ll take you through the events and competition.
High Jump
This year’s high jump competition is a battle to see how tall 2019’s promises can be. Following last year’s grandstandings on the economy and job production, a bar that has been set but not met, this year’s players must somehow convince India’s youngest voter bank in history that they are not going to fall into the abyss of Capitalism. Our first player has promised to make jobs by arresting those who have tricked the system in the past — a brave promise, as it means that two lucky winners can take over Nirav Modi and Vijay Mallya (what he says about the remaining millions are drowned over the cheers of his fans). Oh, our second contender approaches with a strong pout, and here it comes… oh, a fine display!
He will create jobs simply by being elected! As they say: with great power comes infinite
economic growth!
Discus Throw
Our next event is at the massive Sansad Bhavan, where it’s affectionately called discuss and throw your opponent under the bus. The rules, for our listeners just tuning in, are simple: talk nonsense for at least thirty minutes and spew ridiculous conspiracy theories about the other team’s players and their policies. Here we have one contender taking his wind-up, and there it goes! The opponent once took a vacation to Norway, where there was snow, and he spent three days in a snowstorm.
Therefore, the Environment Bachao Bill proposed by the opposing player is hypocritical, as he clearly knows nothing about global warming because he was cold once. What a beautiful premise and the follow-through movement in the segue was impeccable. We only expect the lowest form of debate and dialogue here in the Sansad Bhavan, and the crowd loves it. But we have no winners here because the world is going to end in 2030 if we don’t stop the neglectful and greedy plunder of our natural resources and work with our political leaders for effective policy. Isn’t that right, folks?
Golf
Now you might wonder why golf is in a humour piece with thinly veiled political metaphors based on the Olympics, and the answer is: I don’t know anything about sports. However, much like this year’s contenders, I know one thing about golf: You just need a lot of money to win. Here, we have a contender spending obscene amounts of money on his perfectly marketed election campaign and fudging the records of the same.
On the other side of the bunker, behind the trees, we see another team paying off the caddie, whose parents named him Election Commission to ‘push’ the ball into the hole, and here’s everyone’s favourite sportsman inviting the judges out for tea and investing in their strange homeopathic business. What complex and well-executed moves from our golfers, and I’m saying that because I have totally not received any money from them at all, mummy promise.
Marathon
Time for the true test of stamina! Of hard work! The marathon event has begun! Our contenders are illustrated sportsmen, who have done wonders in their careers! Here we have our first contender, who has helped the villages near an effluent-dumping industry by shutting down the factory, thus helping the environment and thousands of people. Our second contender is also a veteran — his economic prowess has helped reduce unemployment rates by at least 30 per cent *yawn*.
And our third contender…has uh… like the others, worked hard and produced tangible results while remaining honest and trustworthy, but where’s the drama? Where’s the excitement? Where are the Twitter wars? You don’t vote for these people, so why should we cover this anyway? After all, slow and steady wins the race isn’t the political climate of today — it’s fast, furious, and fatalistically short-term thinking that devalues the prospect of long-term growth of the country all the way, baby!
Skiing
We are reporting from the chilly hills of the Western Ghats, where the freezing temperatures cannot quell the fire in our contenders! Standing at the top of the loft height of the Idealism Hills is our first contender, who vows to make sure that his reign will look after the needs of all Indians. And as he glides to the bottom, we see him struggling with the slippery slope — we find that he has received donations from industries with a particular interest in keeping with the status quo. We see him serving and failing to avoid hegemonic religious undertones in his speeches, and ah, how unfortunate. Our contender has struck the stone of money laundering and has tumbled into Corruption Valley. How unfortunate, but he will make sure we remember his dead ideals and not his current reality.
Relay Race
Ah, one of our most controversial events has begun! The political relay race is the definition of passing the baton: we have a father-son duo on one side, and a mother-son duo on the other. Watch as the previous generation masterfully executes a retirement and the younger generation passes a completely pre-determined and carefully orchestrated coming-of-age ‘test’. And our first team has successfully passed the baton, and a sigh of relief for the crew because this means that political and economic power has been safely protected within the family line. Well, if it’s okay in Bollywood, it’s okay in politics. After all, nepotism rocks!