The hitchhiker’s guide to Deepavali parties

Drinks, food, new clothes, card parties, crackers, and poojas. Something for every member of the family. Every type of person in society.
The hitchhiker’s guide to Deepavali parties
Updated on
3 min read

BENGALURU: So it has happened, dear reader. You have been invited to a few Deepavali parties, and have awkwardly accepted all the invites. You need to navigate your way through the parties, and are wondering which to attend, how to sail through the discussions, and have the optimum amount of food, booze, and sweets while handling the traffic.

Worry not, dear reader – for your friendly neighbourhood humour columnist has all the answers. But before we begin, can we take half a paragraph to acknowledge how awesome Deepavali as a festival is? It has something for everybody across age, gender, and political spectra. Drinks, food, new clothes, card parties, crackers, and poojas. Something for every member of the family. Every type of person in society.

In such a situation, it is best to be a little selfish. Planning out your Deepavali parties requires care and attention. Filter out your parties by your preference. Deepavali is a busy festival and nobody has the time to take offence. As a principle, I avoid parties where YouTube is being played. If you haven’t read my earlier columns, YouTube is a modern rakshasa, sucking the life out of every party.

Choose your parties based on your Ikigai around food, crackers, booze, and card games. I shouldn’t be saying this is in a humour column, but go easy on the food. Deepavali is the night when vegetarian food shines its brightest. Paneer dishes that you usually ignore will seduce you in new avatars. Resist! It will be hard, but remember that you have a long night ahead. If drinks are being served along with opinions, go easy on the drinks and opinions.

Hriday Ranjan
Hriday Ranjan

Familiarise yourself with Cheteshwar Pujara’s innings. Slow and steady. It’s probably the crackers, but people are on their toes on Diwali, their nerves on edge. Don’t gulp drinks and burp out opinions. Don’t go Viru Sehwag on them – lofting the first opinion over long-on. Because no matter who wins the match, the host is penalised.

I shouldn’t be telling you this in a humour column, but do not drink and drive. With all the crackers bursting around you, even if you crash into a tree, people will assume it’s an Onion Bomb and move on. Traffic is at its peak at night, which should be no surprise. If you’re on a two-wheeler, be mindful that stray dogs are on their edge too.

They either retire into a corner, or invoke the spirit of Usain Bolt and chase you down an entire highway! Tip your riders graciously – it’s Deepavali , after all! Upon reaching the next venue, do a personal self-evaluation. The second innings is usually the crucial one in a test match, and you are Cheteshwar Pujara.

Card games are time-consuming and wallet-lightening. And then the sweets come out. After good food and drinks have entered your system, the sweets will seem magically more alluring. Resist. Use every method possible. I ask myself – “How many great movies does Bobby Deol have?”. And end up with 3-4 sweets. If crackers are thrown into the mix, kindly read the packaging. Many of our childhood crackers have graduated to 2-in-1 bombs and we didn’t get the latest update. Practice moderation, and you will not face the same fate that Narakasura did many moons ago.

Deepavali is our Christmas, St. Peter’s Day, Martyr’s Day - all rolled into one. It’s the last great day of the year. The rest will be spent in judging ourselves over our yearly targets and goals. ‘If you plan out your Deepavali party well, it is a source of great fun and adventure’ – Osho (probably!). Happy Deepavali!

(The writer’s views are personal)

Related Stories

No stories found.

X
The New Indian Express
www.newindianexpress.com