CHENNAI: There’s been so much on social media lately about motherhood: the motherhood challenge, Chanda Kochhar’s letter to her daughter, responses to that letter, Indira Nooyi and Anne-Marie Slaughter’s frank discussion on the unfinished business of work-life balance, a wonderful personal essay by Revati Upadhya on her decision not to have children. I found them in turns invigorating, boring, inspiring and thought provoking. Many people might wonder why these conversations exist at all. Why such a fuss about motherhood, about working mothers or about not having kids?
I like to think that I’ll touch upon all these topics in future columns, but since every one is kvetching about the motherhood ‘challenge’ on Facebook, let me weigh in too. First of all, full disclosure: I did post my picture and tag my friends. In my mind it was one more picture of my kids, that I may have shared on Facebook any way. Was it a challenge? Nope. I went through my camera album picked a picture and clicked upload. Nothing hard about it all.
But so much angst about it. Why? ‘Not a challenge at all’ ‘Not a true representation of motherhood’. ‘Why are we canonising mothers?’ So since everyone has a problem with this photoshopped version of being a mother, here’s my motherhood challenge: really, really be honest and share one real challenge of motherhood. It doesn’t have to be on Facebook or Twitter.You can tell your husband, your best friend, your running buddy, your cook or your gynaecologist. Or just say it out loud to yourself in an empty room and admit it.
I’ll share my motherhood challenges to kick things off. I’m challenged by my own stupid notions of what a mother should and shouldn’t be. Before I had children, before I even thought about having children, I’d already decided that I would stay at home and raise them. Secretly, deep down inside that’s what I thought all mothers should do. The last 8 years have been a long and painful lesson that it’s not always the case.
I am constantly challenged by the neediness of my children, and the urge to sometimes just say ‘I don’t care about what you’re saying to me right now.’ I am challenged by the guilt that follows.
I am challenged by the seemingly never ending lists of things to do, the ‘office work’ and ‘home work’ and ‘kids work’ list that grow and grow like Hanuman’s tail. I am challenged by the constant feeling that I am not a good enough friend. I forget birthdays, to call and enquire when I know they’re going through a rough patch. I am challenged by how overwhelmed I am by it all.
I am challenged by the pride that holds me back from asking for help. And then the resentfulness that follows when I feel I am doing everything myself. I am challenged by the fact that at times, I would like nothing more than to escape for a few days. To see if I can find and meet the person I used to be. The person who would show her middle finger to all these challenges.
So there. Those are my motherhood challenge. What are yours? Are you taking it up?
(The writer is a former copywriter whose parenting philosophy is: if there’s no blood, don’t call me)