HYDERABAD: I worked in the corporate jungle for almost 12 years before I decided to become a full-time comedian. But if I could hop in a time machine, I’d give my younger self these seven golden rules for a smoother ride in the corporate circus.
1. Never share your salary
HR will tell you this on day one, but let’s be real: curiosity and a dash of showing off will get the better of you. So, you share your salary. Now your colleagues are making rough calculations of your monthly expenses and lining up to ask for short-term loans. It’s like you’ve become the unofficial SBI loan officer of the office. Remember, the best way to dodge lending money is to claim you don’t have it. But when you’ve posted your salary slip like a new WhatsApp DP, you’ve basically put out a sign saying, “Free loans available here!”
2. Keep acting, even after the leave
We all know the drill: you call in sick, sounding like you’re on your deathbed, and you get the day off. But when you waltz back into the office the next day, don’t start doing cartwheels. Taper down the sickness. Keep coughing every two hours to make it look convincing. If you lied about a dead grandmother, don’t come back the next day and order biryani. This trick is getting old and needs extra effort to pull off.
3. Just pay for the gift
Yes, we’re all taxed heavily, and no, the office isn’t a place to make lifelong friends. But when someone asks you to contribute for a cake or a farewell gift, just pay up. It’s good to be unique and different in life, but not here. You don’t want to be the butt of all the jokes on a WhatsApp group you’re not even part of.
4. Keep the good ideas to yourself
If you have good ideas and you also want to go home early, park the idea for another day. The better your idea, the faster they’ll expect you to finish it, and the longer you’ll have to wait to get home. Save your brilliance for when you’re trying to impress someone who doesn’t sign your paycheck.
5. Don’t fight the boss
We all grew up playing video games where beating the boss was the ultimate goal. But in the corporate world, the boss is a necessary evil. He’s the guy who can make the difference between you buying a two-wheeler or a four-wheeler after your raise. So just fake a smile and nod. He’ll never know the difference.
6. Don’t finish work too soon
Unless you’re a genie who can’t function without a task, don’t complete your work ahead of time. It’s not a race, and winning here will just ensure you get assigned another task. Finish too soon, and you’ll be the office equivalent of a hamster on a wheel — never-ending work with no extra pay.
7. Don’t be too happy
Corporates know exactly what they do to a human soul. If they see you too happy, they’ll think their job isn’t done and will be on a mission to ruin your happiness. So, when someone asks how you are, don’t go all “Life is amazing, couldn’t be better!” Give the standard, “Just getting by, I’m okay,” to avoid drawing the evil eye of someone who can squash your joy with more work.