Recently, the news of a teenager who died by suicide came into focus. Unable to find someone to listen to in the real world, this young person turned to an AI platform during intense emotional distress.
The algorithms, which lack the essential human components of empathy and care, tragically guided him towards self-harm. Are there enough sensitive listening resources for growing children in a digitally loaded scenario?
Take another situation. This was a woman in a marriage that never gave her space to share. Her husband never listened. There were times when she craved a listening ear.
She found someone on Instagram who listened. That connection grew into an extra-marital relationship. When it was discovered, the husband reacted with fury — a reaction aligned with moral codes and social values.
But can we ignore the concerns of a wife who felt neglected because she was never heard?
FADING CULTURE OF LISTENING
We hear these grievances often from people who seek help for mental health issues. Students complain that teachers don’t hear them.
Children lament that parents don’t lend them an ear — they only give advice.
In marital conflicts, “you never listen to me” is a recurring theme. The elderly, who need someone to be attentive to what they say, often don’t get that support.
Sadly, even in routine human interactions, there are more advisers or lecturers than listeners.
It is a fact that being listened to — without judgement — enhances well-being and confidence.
THE COMPONENTS OF ACTIVE LISTENING
The components of good listening go much deeper than simply hearing words.
Be present with genuine concern
Turn towards the person who wants to be heard. Maintain eye contact, nod and lean in slightly. Every verbal and non-verbal gesture should communicate: “I am with you.” The attitude must be geared towards listening, not talking. Avoid all distractions, including using a mobile phone.
Use open questions
“What was that like for you?” is an example of a question that invites more sharing.
Closed questions that can be answered with a yes or no will not encourage ventilation. The approach should be to open the floodgates of emotions and allow people to share their experiences. Do not interrupt. Even silences are a form of communication. Allow them the time to break the silence. Paying attention to non-verbal communication is equally important.
Empathy is key
As the person narrates their experiences or vents their emotions and thoughts, the listener needs to walk alongside them and identify with what is being shared.
Statements such as “I understand” and body language that conveys support can be reassuring.
Stay in control
It is important that the listener remains composed so that emotional reactions do not go out of bounds. Share an appropriate level of joy when happy experiences are discussed. Acknowledge that you understand the feelings attached to life events.
Reflect feelings
Statements such as “That sounds really sad” or “You seem happy about that” validate emotions, not just narratives. Such responses should always follow empathetic listening.
Avoid blocks that hinder sharing
Jumping to solutions too quickly, judging, giving unsolicited advice or over-interpreting can block the free flow of sharing. Let the person speak at their own pace.
Paraphrase
Once the person has finished sharing, summarise what you heard and provide feedback on your understanding, without losing the emotional tone. Ask them to correct you or add any missing points. This affirms that they were truly heard.
Value-added listening
Gently mirror the last two or three words they said.
For example, if a narrative ends with “I am really upset”, a sensitive, inquisitive response such as “Upset?” can encourage deeper sharing. During the process, the listener can also help by labelling emotions. It is always better to allow the expression of emotions within the safety of a trusting relationship.
Maintain confidentiality
When someone shares personal matters, they may seek confidentiality. Keeping that promise is essential. Nothing should be shared with others without clear consent.
LISTEN... LISTEN
If there are enough people in the small world of every human being who have both the willingness and the skills to listen, most emotional burdens will be lessened.
When a soul in distress pours out its feelings and thoughts to a listening mind, the mind gains clarity. Just as the sky shines brighter after a shower of rain.
So, identify your set of listening ears well ahead. Also build a listening attitude. In a world that is constantly talking or advising, let us practise the art of listening.
Anybody around to hear?------The author is a Senior Consultant Psychiatrist, Medical Trust Hospital, Kochi, and former member of State Mental Health Authority
