I’m really confused about whether I might be a lesbian. I’m attracted to guys and I have a boyfriend, but I get really turned on by lesbian porn. I use it to masturbate all the time. However, I’m not attracted to any of the girls I know. Am I lesbian or bisexual, or is all of this just a normal part of growing up? Please help me, I’m so confused.
— It’s Hard Not Knowing
I know a lot of straight women who dig lesbian porn, and the whole thing can be very confusing, both personally and politically. I’ve thought about this issue a lot (as have many other feminist thinkers far more learned than yours truly), and my feeling about the “lesbian” porn you find on the Internet is that it’s not really about lesbianism or same-sex desire at all. That particular brand of porn is all about women performing a simulacrum of lesbian desire for an assumed-to-be heterosexual male audience. The point is, I think a lot of the directors and producers of porn assume that straight men want nothing more than to see lots and lots of naked girls prancing around — if one is good, then two (or more) is even better. And if those two girls happen to be making out, well, that’s just part of the game, too. The implicit assumption is that they’re not kissing because they’re really attracted to each other (cause that would be, you know, too gay), but because they’re both so into sex that they’d do it with anything that moves, even someone of the same gender. “Girl-on-girl” porn is such a crazy mix of homophobia and queer performance that it’s hard to know what to think.
But here’s what I think: there’s no reason why anyone should have to apologise for what turns them on. If you like lesbian porn, then you like it. I wouldn’t worry too much about whether that makes you bisexual — and even if it did, there’s nothing wrong with that, either. If you find yourself becoming attracted to women in real life, just go with it.
■ I am currently in an open relationship and both my partner and I find it immensely satisfying. We are best friends. We can turn to each other for anything we need, physically and emotionally. I thank the fates every day for bringing this wonderful, beautiful woman into my life. We connect so well and love each other, but not in the traditional sense — rather in a ‘best buds’ kind of way. We enjoy our intimacy and our mutual desire for one another, but we both have a very healthy sex drive and do not limit ourselves. We both have sex outside our relationship. What could possibly be the problem? Recently her parents found out about this arrangement of ours, on account of nosy family friends of hers. While her parents are fairly liberal in matters of love and sex, they have expressed strong misgivings about the kind of relationship we share. I don’t give a damn about what anyone thinks of my personal life. But my partner is very close to her parents and wants their approval. She has convinced her parents to have a sit-down with both of us and talk things over. I can see her parents’ point of view but I’m also terribly flustered at the thought of discussing our relationship with them. Her parents are coming down to Chennai in a couple of weeks to meet us. I’m a big fan of the “be yourself” model of living, but I’m not entirely sure that’s a good idea in this case. Any suggestions?
— Being Myself Could Cause Trouble
It’s rare for me to get letters where it truly seems like everyone involved has the best of intentions and is approaching the situation with maturity and grace. You and your partner seem to have a lot of mutual respect and her parents also appear to be willing to at least try to understand their daughter’s relationship decisions. When everyone is coming to the table as caring adults and not hysterical, judgmental harpies, then it’s safe to say that half the battle has already been won.
That being said, you and your partner both have to acknowledge the limits of what reasonable discussion can accomplish. It’s very clear that the two of you have a healthy and trusting relationship and that you figured out how to do the non-exclusivity thing really well. However, it’s also natural for people who care about you both to be concerned. I think your partner should have this pow-wow with her parents alone. As it is, they’re going to feel wrong-footed about the whole thing, and it’s best not to add to their confusion by asking them to meet you before they’ve even had a chance to digest the workings of your relationship. Also, these are her parents, not yours, and if she cares so much about their approval then she needs to take responsibility for seeing that she has it. I would also advise you two to be patient and not get your expectations too high; this kind of disclosure can take a long time to settle in, and her parents are not going to be accepting and happy-go-lucky about this after one sit-down. Getting them to accept and approve of your relationship is going to require a whole series of conversations. On a final note, you mentioned that your partner’s parents found out about your relationship through nosy family friends? How exactly did the family friends got in the loop? The only reason why I’m wondering is because it’s just possible your partner told them about it. If that’s the case, then I suggest you have an honest conversation with her about how you’re both feeling about the non-monogamous nature of your relationship. If indeed your partner did tell them, it’s entirely possible that she was seeking their approval or their advice, and that she might not be feeling as positive about your relationship as you do.
— Padma Govindan is a researcher and founding member of the Shakti Center gender collective in Chennai. Unedited archives of this column are available at www.queeries.wordpress.com.
Have a question?
E-mail indianqueeries@gmail.com